March 11, 2010

Oh Dick's, you leave so many holes in your story

I had to show this for multiple reasons, all of which will be explained in just a second. First I want to start off by saying, seriously, why the fuck Dick's? Why the fucking name? Are you that desperate for attention that you named your palace of guys Dick's? And if you are in such a need for marketing material, then why the fuck do you make commercials like this. I digress..

Tim Tebow's Wonderlic test results

Sooner or later, everyone takes a standardized test in one form or another. For the vast majority of educated Americans, it determines whether or not their life takes a path of higher learning or a path of homelessness and AIDS. Standardized tests are the foundation of our society and nobody can refute that. STOP TRYING TO REFUTE IT.

Tim Tebow accumulated a score of 22 out of 50 on the Wonderlic test, a 12-minute NFL combine examination that assesses players' brain capacity. For those scoring at home, 22 out of 50 is homeless/AIDS territory in most other circumstances. And for the record, I will beat my child if he ever scores that low on any test in his life. EVEN IF IT'S IN A COOKING CLASS FOR WOMEN. NEVER LET A WOMAN BEAT YOU AT ANYTHING. JUST BECAUSE YOU MAKE THEM COOK AND DO LAUNDRY DOESN'T MEAN THAT THEY'RE BETTER AT IT. YOU LET THEM DO IT BECAUSE IT MAKES THEM FEEL USEFUL.

I digress. 

Herm's Perm received a leaked copy of Tebow's Test. Don't ask how or why we obtain these highly guarded documents. Wilt's cousin works for Dan Rather and we'll leave it at that. Here are a few selected Tebow responses: