December 19, 2009

Let's play "find the basketball game in Jerry's giant stadium" (a Horns-Heels liveblog)

Could it be any more obvious that Jerry Jones is struggling to recover all the debt that he created when he built his new castlestadium? I can't wait 'til it hosts the NCAA baton-twirling championships! I watched several dome-hosted basketball games in my freshman year at Syracuse and for those of you who are unfamiliar with that set up, they place rafters at midfield that basically cut the space in half so people can actually see the game from their seats. I guess only Texans are dumb enough to pay for a seat so far away that they are technically in Louisiana.

Bubb, who thinks UNC will emerge victorious, will be writing in red.

Wilt, who can't seem to follow the trend of Texas teams playing horribly in their Jerrystadium debut (Cowboys, Longhorns football) and thinks the Horns will win, will write in blue.

Lets begin.

Dick Vitale Writes?! - John Cheatapari

For those who have never heard of Fire Joe Morgan, then you should be ashamed. They created a blog just for the act of reading between the lines of poorly written baseball stories. Since they have shut down and moved on to bigger things, there has been a hole in the blogosphere for readers to revel in the idiocrocy that is mediocre sports writing. Doing my part to fix this, I have decided to take up where they left off, and give Dick Vitale what he has been needing for a long time -- someone to bring him down to earth.

Wilt in italics.

Dick in bold.

When John Calipari looked at his early-season schedule, he had to feel that the three-game stretch against North Carolina, Connecticut at Madison Square Garden and at Indiana was going to be a bumpy road.

Like driving over a road constructed of great blue whales. 

December 18, 2009

Bobby Knight: Regular reader of the Perm?

As you know, if you are loyal follower, I have a viscous and life shortening hate towards John Calipari. I have stated it more than twice, and yet the media has made no comment. Surely, a blog with the massive readership this one does should have the capability to bring up ideas that result in reasonable questions. I'm like Glenn Beck. I'M JUST ASKING QUESTIONS. Also asking questions, albeit months later than I was, is my newest favorite retired basketball coach/announcer Bobby Knight.

December 17, 2009

The Colts' (white?) supremacy

(With the Colts leading the Jaguars 35-31 and 2:06 left to play, Indianapolis' undefeated season is being seriously threatened by an impending Jags drive. Peyton Manning and Dallas Clark converse on the sideline.)

Manning: Hay Dayluhss, why wasn't you at my poker tourneyment on Mondee?

December 15, 2009

Abusive Coaches Anonymous

In a local Tampa Bay high school locker room, three figures are seen sitting in folding chairs, all facing each other. They sip coffee and nibble on stale danishes while discussing sports, their wives' cooking and other inconsequential topics. Suddenly, the door is violently thrown open, revealing an aryan-looking man in a green polo and visor.

Leavitt: OLLY OLLY OXEN FREE! JIMMYBOY'S HERE! Shit, this is one sorry-looking pack of pussies. I have to waste an hour of my Friday night for the next 10 weeks with you assholes? (throws hat on ground). DAG GUMMIT!

Domestic violence at Missouri?

That can't be true? Missouri is home to the most laid back, dogooders around. There is no way that such an even could occur in such a quaint town of noble academia.

Jesus, that was hard to write. Even in sarcasm, I can't seem to pull myself to say nice things of the doucheoholics over the state line. If you've been following on deadspin, then well done. You are ahead of the grove, but I want to dive deeper into an increasing problem in the University of Missouri and the state in general. Let's talk about white trash.

Steve Young's concussions recede

I watched a significant portion of tonight's Monday Night Football matchup. I, like the majority of the nation outside of fagland (currently known as San Francisco), expected the BornagainWarners and AnquanFace-Offs to romp the Michael CrabHoldouts. Holy Jee Willikers, we miscalculated (and just look at that smile!).

I would like to take this moment to acknowledge the Cardinals irrefutable self-assertion to the leading position of Schizophreneteam. Commit yourself to the nearest NFL psychologist at your convenience.

December 14, 2009

Don Draper selling tactics: Notre Dame's mess

(Don walks into home)

Betty Draper: (in a slightly pissed off, but still quiet and reserved tone) Don, you had a phone call.

Don: What? (30 minutes of staring) Who called? (reaches into liquor cabinet and pulls out a fine bourbon)