January 2, 2010

Big eyed birds vs Fake birds LIVE BLOG

Last year, in Kansas City, Temple gave the Jayhawks a terrible loss. It wasn't even close. So, obviously, they think they are the shit. In fact, after beating Villinova, their fans began chanting "We want Kansas." Well you got 'em.

This is the first ranked opponent Kansas has faced this year, which should be enough to get them ready for this game. But just to entirely lock up the blowout of Temple, their fans went out and got all penisy. Not only that, but this is the first time the Twins (Marcus and Markieff Morris) have been back to their hometown to play with the Jayhawks.

I'll just let Sherron tell you how badly they want to win this game.


We are about 30 minutes away from the game, where the live blog will begin. Currently I'm watching Vern Ludquist get his first raging errection without the aid of Viagra trying to describe John Wall. He is still fucking amazing.

As always, Wilt will be in blue and Bubb in red. I think you can tell which team we want to win.

January 1, 2010

Gun control with Gilbert Arenas

Do you need help getting your hunter's saftey? Need to get a consield wepon permit? WELL, If you're in the local Washington DC area, then jump in your Isuzu compact car and find your way to GILBERT'S GUN GARAGE.

We'll fix you up better than the doctors fix up my knees. Got your drug dealer breathing down your neck? How bout this fine piece of metal?

December 31, 2009


Wow. Just fucking wow.


I know, they are America's defense and all, so a win for them is a win for the country. That's great, but wow. Mizzou couldn't even handle a school that is in the independent league?

For those who have never heard of Fire Joe Morgan, then you should be ashamed. They created a blog just for the act of reading between the lines of poorly written baseball stories. Since they have shut down and moved on to bigger things, there has been a hole in the blogosphere for readers to revel in the idiocrocy that is mediocre sports writing. Doing my part to fix this, I have decided to take up where they left off, and give Dick Vitale what he has been needing for a long time -- someone to bring him down to earth.

Today's Article: Conference USA has Improved

Wilt in italics.

Dick in bold.

Conference USA has turned into a very interesting league this season. My friends, for several years it was Memphis leading the way and everybody else far behind them.

December 29, 2009

Temple-UCLA live blog

If you started reading this because you actually thought it was going to be a live blog of the Temple-UCLA EagleBank Bowl, go fist yourself. Get John Cheney in pads, and then we'll talk.

I actually put every piece of sports news or gossip that has materialized in the last week in a hat and drew one because whatever I randomly chose would be better than watching the fucking EagleBank Bowl.

Apparently the academics at world-renowned Quinnipiac University released a new, totally ground-breaking national poll* today that showed most people want college football to scrap the BCS and move to a playoff system.

[*It should be noted that results of the poll may be intentionally skewed due to Quinnipiac's bitterness over being left out of the BCS.]

Quinnipiac also released a poll that showed most people would rather sit down to a steak and potatoes dinner than get nailed to a cross and thrown in a river by their mother-in-law.

I mean, seriously. I hope not a single dollar was spent developing and executing that poll.

From the Associated Press:

"College football fans are not in love with the current system in which two teams that play for the national championship are picked by computers, sportswriters and coaches," said Peter Brown, assistant director of the Quinnipiac University Polling Institute. "Settle the question on the field, voters say more than two-to-one."

I'm... I'm... speechless. That is all.

To catch a predator: Spread Offense

(Chris Hanson standing in an empty room with the lights out)

Tonight on Dateline, a disturbing trend among the ranks of college football. People have been beat, racisted, and yelled at. Young 20 somethings, working on their degree by way of football have received more than just a scholarship at the universities they choose. They have found some frightening experiences.

(lights turn on)

Those experiences all come down to one thing, Spread Offense.

(cut to interview with Michael Crabtree)

December 27, 2009

Welp, my decade sucked

With less than a week left in the first decade of the 21st century -- only the second full decade of my life -- and just slightly more than two years left until the end of the world, I've been reflecting on my decade in sports. I long ago came to the conclusion that I'm not athletic and my teams are terrible, but, upon additional review, I'm not even sure Enron had a worse decade than me. My sports-decade has been one big fucking facepalm, so much so that it was worthy of that crappy alliteration.

In March of 2002, I won the St. Margaret Mary three-point shootout. I was, theoretically, the best eighth grade three-point shooter in the city that attended a Catholic grade school*. Sometime after that, the Creighton Bluejays upset fifth-seeded Florida in the first round of the NCAA Tournament. I was riding high.