Gettin' ParLaid: SO MUCH SYMMETRY

Congrats folks, you've made it through the drudgery of another work week without setting your hair (or office building) aflame. I guess that means it's time to burn through some cash (looks like this weekend is off to a pleasant pyromaniacal theme). Speaking of flaming-hot sensations, that one on your loins is a good thing: it means you've been having copious amounts of bareback sex. (puts on rubber gloves) High five!

Chudzinski (n) - To settle for, or fall back upon.

Hello, my name is PC, and I hate apple products.

This must just be chudderly disappointing for Browns fans. This guy is a real stick in the chud, if you know what I'm saying. Cleveland almost had Chip Kelly and then chuddenly they are stuck with this guy. Honestly, we chudn't even believe it. It's seems like a joke. Cleveland really mischudged their coaching prospects. If they are stuck with this guy, It must have been a shallow chud of applicants filing in to HR at Browns HQ. Oh, god, the pun gun is misfireinCHUD. Dear, god. Oh the CHUDmanity. Women, CHUDlren. All of them being CHUDed down in the streets. We have to chudle around it to block it from the innocent civilians.

Oh, thank god. It's been restrained.

God, I love the word chud. Sounds like the sound that comes from a mortar firing out of its tube. CHUD. Or when a fat person jumps in a bath tub. Or when you use a basketball as a volley ball and try to spike it. That's what Chud sounds like. I had to get the skinny, so I went to Urbandictionary.com to find a true definition.

A point of view: Thoughts from Herman Sanders

Today we have a special guest, Herman Sanders, retiree, bringing his thoughts about sports and life.

My grandchildren, Marie and Steve, both like to call me Paps, and I would really hope that one day, all of you could call me that. I will start out by listing my achievements, so you can get better acquainted with me so you can respect my judgment for future writings.

• I was born in 1954
• I was born in Council Bluffs, Iowa
• My favorite color as a child was blue
• I played catcher in baseball all through high school
• My first job out of high school was working textiles
• With money from my first job, I purchased baseball cards that included Sandy Koufax

Now that you know a little about me, now I'm going to give you a few thoughts about the Hall of Fame inductions, or lack there of.

TODAY IS AWFUL

NFL playoff time is always filled with mixed emotions for me. It's the exponentially steep slope at which the excitement of the season climaxes, which is nice, but I can't help but think about will happen come February 4. What follows the end of the football season is pretty much a month of meaningless basketball (during which time I will attempt to feign interest by gambling on the games and inevitably depleting a large portion of my bank account), then MARCH MADNESS (over-aggressively fervent gambling that, most likely, will yield the same damage to my net worth), another month of meaningless NBA action (no gambling because of Lent. Just kidding, I have no idea when Lent is, I'm Jewish), then NBA playoffs (excuse to grow facial hair and claim "playoff beard.").

This is my long-winded way of saying I want to hold onto the next month as tightly as possible. Like Will Smith when he love-suffocated his dog in I Am Legend.


See that? Are you crying yet? If not, you're about to...

TOTAL RECONSTRUCTION

From the song, TOTAL RECONSTRUCTION, by WRATH HAMMER BLOOD

WATCH FOR THE SAFTEY
*in unison* TOTAL RECONSTRUCTION
WATCH OUT FOR THE GROUND
*in unison* TOTAL RECONSTRUCTION
NO ONE COMES OUT SAFELY
*in unison* TOTAL RECONSTRUCTION
PREPARE FOR THE POUND
*in unison* TOTAL RECONSTRUCTION

Congrats everyone who took the over last night.

In a town with a team like the Miami Heat, you wouldn't on any given night think that they would be the third most hated team in that town, but last night they were. If we were to have a terrorist attack, and god forbid we don't but if we do I BLAME OBAMACARE, I would have preferred it be a nuke in Miami last night. Takes care of the Heat, Irish, and Rolling Tide. Also, I'd like to see a stagnant tide. If Alabama are the rolling tide, and they are elephants, does that mean the stagnant tide would be a clam? I don't know.

Anyways, there is so little to talk about from this game I'm getting skewed from my point of this article, which is ... IS THAT A BIRD OUTSIDE. I'M GONNA PUT A BIRD ON IT.

A.D.D. ACTIVATED - I NEED HOT CHICKS.

Welcome, the new Lakers front court.

Here comes the best front court in the Los Angeles are not named the Clippers. Both Dwight Howard and Pau Gasol are now out. Both, because of severe hurtfeelingitis. They contracted it from Kobe Bean Bryant who was being a real meanie head to them. Sources close to the situation are reporting that Kobe called Dwight a, and I quote, "Fatty fat, McCan't Make a Post Move." This sent Howard into a deep depression, eventually leading to him trying to kill himself by jumping head first off a step stool, leading to a shoulder injury.

Gasol was injured trying to beat the voices out of his head on a mirror in the Lakers bathroom, sustaining a concussion. The psych ward is telling us that the voices were Kobe's, and were chanting "YOU'LL NEVER BE YOUR BROTHER."

The Lakers now turn to Antawn Jamison at the power forward, who is known to have the shortest vertical by any black guy ever. At center, they turn to Jordan Hill, who is also known to have a short vertical, and also, the worst hair in the league. Both are terrible, and just emphasize the horrendous team that is the 2013 Lakers. I love this NBA season.

More like Flip Kelly...

It was all gonna be peachy. Browns have a new coach, who was going to make them interesting for the first time in 15 years. Kelly was finally gonna pursue the job that would make him attain his goal, having a shot to be number 1. Sure as hell ain't doing it at Oregon. They could win every game by 60 next year and still not get into a championship game. That's because the BCS mafia are RACIST. AGAINST THE SAMOANS. Instead, he's going back to Oregon.

Now, the Browns lean towards more conventional means of picking a coach, like getting one from Syracuse or Rutgers, or Louisville, or basically any Big East school. They're all available. Especially UCONN's head coach. They won't even have a conference in a few years. He'd probably pay you to be your coach. Think of all the money you could save Cleveland. Put that towards something useful. Like a Vespa. Or a Lebron James ever-burning memorial in downtown Cleveland. Or drafting another Big 12 quarterback who is incapable of completing passes. Might I suggest this one?