January 30, 2013
I LOVE LAMP
Scribed by Wilt Stilts
So, Ronaiah and Manti Te'o' knew each other, right? It said so in the Deadspin article. Can we stop thinking that this was just Ronaiah's idea. The stories of the Tuiasosopo's don't even mesh anymore. His cousin Tino, who is female despite the name, said she did some of the voices on the calls. But now Ronaiah is saying he was the one talking to, and falling in love with Manti? This is why there are no Hawaiian mob members. They have no idea how to keep a story straight.
Anyways, here is the big quote from Dr. Phil.
"Here we have a young man that fell deeply, romantically in love," Dr. Phil McGraw told NBC. "I asked him straight up, 'Was this a romantic relationship with you?' And he says yes. I said, 'Are you then therefore gay?' And he said, 'When you put it that way, yes.' And then he caught himself and said 'I am confused.' "
Yeah, no shit. Being gay is not a bad thing. It happens to the gayest of us. But you wanted, and successfully tricked one of your friends into loving you, or at least the woman image of you. It doesn't make sense. Why go to that extreme to try and get someone, who is states away, to love you back. This would make a little sense, if Ronaiah had been an out of the closet homosexual. You could see it possibly. People will do anything their heart tells them to. What doesn't make sense is, by the sounds of the quote, Ronaiah became gay in the process of "Catfishing" Manti.
No, none of this adds up. If this were a math problem it would look like this: 1+2+3= -800,000. This only makes sense now, if Manti was in on it. And he's gay, and gay for Ronaiah. And they, in an attempt to hide their gay love, created this chick. And in some sort of dramatic gay mental haze, they decided to make the imaginary girlfriend story a Soap Opera. With cancer, car wrecks and death.
And then phone calls from Deadspin came, so they tried to clean their tracks, and tell Notre Dame. And then made up phone messages. And in the process, still were caught off guard, so they told the cousin about it to help hide it. But then they forgot they told her, and screwed up their story.
That is the only thing that makes sense anymore. Actually at this point, Lennay Kakua might as well be a real person. Because she makes just as much sense as any of these other scenarios.
Bottom line, don't draft Manti Te'o.