August 7, 2009

Your Fantasy Football Draft Neurosis is Futile

I hate Matthew Berry. And Eric Karabell. And every other Goddamn nerd who earns more than $100,000 per year making up bullshit predictions about players who gave them swirlies and duct taped them to a urinal in high school.

Yes, happy fantasy football season to all.

I’m not calling them out because I’m jealous and think that there’s little to no actual skill involved in their jobs. I’m doing it because I know there’s no actual skill involved. How, you ask?

I played in two fantasy football leagues last year. I was commissioner in one leage, and a regular schmoe in the other. As commissioner, I drafted first, and was one of two or three people to actually be present for the draft. As a nobody, I failed to pre-rank my players and attend the live selection.

As commissioner, I drafted first overall, and selected Bernard Pollard’s only career highlight.

I failed to make the playoffs.

As a nobody, I autodrafted Aaron Rodgers, Andre Johnson, Santana Moss, Matt Forte and The Most Overlooked Reason Why The Lions Almost Won A Game (Kevin Smith, you fucks).

I lost in the Championship.

So, in honor of my fantasy football picks having a worse chance of success than Plaxico Burress’ court defense, here’s my top-5 bests and busts. In no particular order:


Donte’ Stallworth’s Bentley

Just like Taylor Mays, it could give a fuck less about getting flagged for unsportsmanlike conduct. Its off-the-field behavior has certainly drawn the longing gaze of Jerry Jones and whoever “runs” the Bengals.


Al Michaels

As far as I know, the last boothside buddy that John Madden deserted grew a beard and led a bunch of midgets on an unnecessarily long hike. I can’t imagine that Michaels will be any better off.


Dennis Miller’s color-commentary career

If Dennis Miller is hired back onto the MNF staff, it all but guarantees Al Michaels’ simultaneous resignation. If you’re following along at home, that means Dennis Miller will monologue every MNF game. Blind people won’t even realize they’re watching listening to a football game.


Terrell Owens’ “bodyguard” Pablo

If you’re like me, you get sucked into every worse-than-shit VH1 show because it happens to be on while you’re folding laundry. And once you start, you can’t stop. If you also watch “The TO Show,” then you’re already aware that Pablo is a black, freeloading version of Turtle from “Entourage.” At least Turtle chauffeurs for the man who stuck a silver spoon up his ass.


Vince Young’s therapist

I don’t think anyone’s worked as hard this past year. If you’re counseling a millionaire NCAA champion who’s depressed about his life, and you somehow find more reasons for him not to kill himself, you must be in a contract year.

Big Bust:

The Chest of Hank Baskett’s Wife

Get it? Because she has enormous surgically enhanced breasts! SEX JOKES ARE FUNNY!

Fuck you, Hank Baskett. You're an awful person for pulling this off.


Roger Goodell

Like buying stock in General Motors, his No Fun League reign can only get better from here, right? Right??


LaDanian Tomlinson

Because why the fuck not?

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