February 2, 2010

Tim Tebow's Super Bowl ad is pretty much what you'd expect

Here's what's great about being a blogger (aside from the constantly swarming crowds of bikini models and free cocaine): companies recognize that your influence is far greater than any mainstream medium. If not for us, Greg Oden's dong would still remain in the secrecy of his covered loins and Tiger Woods might still be playing in the Masters this April. Can you imagine a world like that? Me neither. I digress.

With the Super Bowl less than a week away, Herm's Perm was lucky enough to get its grimy little mitts on a copy of the Tebow abortion commercial. While we can't show you the actual video, here's a detailed transcription of what we saw:

(Fade in from black to Tim Tebow and his mother, Pam, sitting on a park bench on a sunny day)

Tim: Howdy. I'm former Florida Gators quarterback Tim Tebow, here with my mother, Pam, to talk to you about the dangers of abortion.

(Cut to shot of just Pam, waist-up)

Pam: Abortion is wrong.

(Tim's hand, holding Heisman trophy, enters frame in front of Pam's face)

Just think, if I had aborted Tim, we'd be just as poor as the dirty little Filipinos that Tim circumcises for free.

Tim: That's right, Ma. We both know that these hands can cut foreskin much more precisely than they do throw pigskin. Now look at this fetus.

(Pam's outreached arm enters frame, holding a fetus that appears to be recently aborted)

This fetus was recently aborted. And how was it aborted? With a bike chain, a pair of salad tongs and a pickaxe.

(Tim swats fetus out of Pam's hand. Camera cuts to the fetus hitting the ground, then back to Tim who shakes his head disapprovingly)

Pam: You see, when you choose to hit the A-button, you choose to send a living, breathing clump of stem cells to a disgraceful demise at the hands of God himself.

(Back to wide shot of both Tebows)

So please, forget about all those dying Haitians and save the lives that are actually worth saving:

Tim: Your unborn Christian baby's.

(Both Tebows together): Thank you.

(They slap hands, spraying the fetusblood across each others' faces as the screen cuts to black)

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