January 4, 2013

Gettin' Par-Laid: NFL Playoffs Divisional Round

For many, Friday is the day of the week we all yearn for. It's the bikini-clad supermodel that makes all the other days of the work week seem like Rebel Wilson. Except Thursday. Thursday is Zosia Mamet because she's almost super bangable but not quite there. Yes, I watch "Girls" and have a thing for the Jews. Fuck you.

Friday is also payday. So, it is only appropriate that the reoccurring series where we take your hard-earned coin and turn it into greater amounts of (slightly easier-earned) coin would debut on a Friday. It's not gambling if you're always right.

Plus, it's the weekend. The weekend means sex. Sex with your Significant Other, Anonymous Sex, Animal Costume Sex, One-Night-Stands, Gangbangs, Swingers Parties, and old-fashioned Dating (UGH, SO EXPENSIVE). Indulging in one of these individual sex acts, like betting on a single sports game, is fun. Thrilling, even. But when piggybacked with others will blow your Pituitary gland to kingdom come. I know...phrasing.

So, without further ado, let's get you Par-Laid.

We're out the gate with four NFL Divisional playoff games this weekend. Goes without saying that you'll parlay the two Saturday games with each other and you'll do the same with Sunday's slate.

Parlay 1: Texans -4.5, Packers -8
Everyone is down on the Texans. Why? THEY SUCK. And the Bengals have won seven of their last eight games or something ridiculous that shouldn't be getting overlooked, but is. To this, I say: THROW LOGIC TO THE WIND, THIS IS GAMBLING, DAMMIT.

This segues perfectly to the reasoning behind my Packers bet: Christian Ponder is awful, Adrian Peterson is no longer chasing a record (and probably suffering intense depression for falling just nine yards short of said record), you probably can't name a single player on the Vikings' defense other than Jared Allen, and Christian Ponder is awful.

Parlay 2: Colts +7, Redskins +3
I'll keep the first explanation relatively simple: Chuck Pagano un-cancering two-thirds of the way though this year > Ray Lewis un-retiring two-thirds of the way through next year.

The Seahawks as road favorites is beyond comprehension. I don't care how "hot" you are. The team's three road wins are:
  • Carolina, early in the season when Cam thought that offseason hype meant a guaranteed playoff spot.
  • Chicago, after trailing for 90 percent of the game and putting together a final drive against an old, tired, turnover-dependent Bears defense (which, otherwise, was really was mediocre at best)
  • Buffalo (needs no explanation).
As the wise Cousin Sal once said - bet the farm, and then tomorrow morning you'll have two farms.

1 comment: