November 23, 2009

Dick Vitale writes?! Memphis is good? Naw.

For those who have never heard of Fire Joe Morgan, then you should be ashamed. They created a blog just for the act of reading between the lines of poorly written baseball stories. Since they have shut down and moved on to bigger things, there has been a hole in the blogosphere for readers to revel in the idiocrocy that is mediocre sports writing. Doing my part to fix this, I have decided to take up where they left off, and give Dick Vitale what he has been needing for a long time -- someone to bring him down to earth.

Wilt Stilts in blue.

Dick Vitale in BOLD BABY!

When John Calipari left for Kentucky, there were some detractors who said the program would go downhill.

There were also Dementors who were hiding the scores for Derrick Rose, but then Edward Cullen came by and vampired his way into the secret Dementor file cabinet and stole the files like he stole Kirsten Stewart's virginity, and gave them to the NCAA. By the way, thanks for pissing in Heath Ledgers dead, open mouth Twilight fans. 

Well my friends, if the performance against Kansas is any indication,

Which it isn't. It's one game in a neutral field with Xavier playing like professor Xavier, debilitating disease and all.

as well as an amazing recruiting class for 2010, reports of the Tiger demise are premature.

Premature like the time I tried to set my Tivo to record NCIS Los Angeles, and because I couldn't see the buttons on the remote, I recorded Wheel of Fortune BABY. Anyways, I ended up nutting earlier than I normally do all over my labradoodle when I saw Vanna White instead of LL Cool J. Depressing night that was. No PTPers on that one.

Memphis played its heart out against the No. 1 Jayhawks. 

So, where did said heart land? I'm thinking some where in hell, because I'm sure Pastner sold his soul for a chance to beat the Jayhawks. HE GOT THAT CHANCE BABY!

Eliot Williams almost hit a game-winner for shock city, but it was not meant to be.


Give credit to first-year coach Josh Pastner.

Oh, sure. (calls Obama) Hey Baraklava!, Josh Pastner wants some credit. You think you could lone him some. I know you're in excess and all. What's that? I have to call China for that?

He had his kids ready to play and they did a super job on the defensive end. Memphis is going to win a lot of games this season with its quickness and defensive ability.

And it's schedule that would be compared to, in NFL standards, as playing Cleveland, St. Louis, and Tampa Bay over and over again. But yeah, quickness and defense explains it.

Pastner chased his dream and he is ready to meet the challenge.

THE FIFTH GRADE BABY. Only two more years of elementary education.

Conference USA, watch out... I know a lot of people picked Tulsa, and the conference tournament is there in Oklahoma. 

I also know that sentence was incomplete, JUST LIKE THE DEVELOPMENT OF MY BRAIN BABY!

Houston has a solid backcourt and will be heard from.

Yeah, they have a phone with Sprint and plan on calling the entire nation. In 97 years, EVERYONE WILL HAVE HEARD FROM THEM. Suck on that telemarketers.

Don't count out this Tiger team, which has won 61 straight conference games (including the postseason tournament) since a loss to UAB.

Dick Vitale has "won" 61 straight bathroom breaks, since a loss of his bladder control in the middle a Mississippi State game.

For Memphis to be successful this season, it will have to hit trifectas.

Yeah, and trifecta's are rough. Railing a daughter, mother and grandmother can be an over the hill battle. Especially when the daughter is 40.

This is a team that is limited offensively in the interior. 

"This team is a team" - Jon Gruden

This guard-oriented team will also try to run and score in transition. The lack of size inside is a problem.

Because Callipari's teams were so deep inside. Dumbass. Don't you know that Memphis doesn't have to have size or anything except one good player and they go 33-3. They play in the damn Conference USA for Christ's sake.

Pastner is also concerned about rebounding.

That's usually a give in when you have a lack of size, but I guess reiterating your point is what you old people do. I remember this, I remember that. I don't like your shtick, old people. Enough is enough.

Two key players will be Wesley Witherspoon and Will Coleman, who must produce in the paint to give balance to the attack. 

And one movie that has a balanced attack is NINJA ASSASSIN. Not only are they Asian, but they fucking fight. It's like fucking Yin and Yang. WHO KNEW?!

Williams has worked hard on his jump shot. He is a solid defender who will help the Tigers. Guys like Roburt Sallie, Doneal Mack and Willie Kemp have to be consistent scorers outside. 

You're saying that if they are playing at Rucker Park, then they have to be consistent scorers? I don't see Brooklyn on the schedule anywhere.

Using dribble-penetration and then kicking the ball out to shooters is going to be another key for Memphis. 

AWWW YEAH. I'll perform some double penetrations, and then kick my balls out. Then I'll score. Then I'll cry, and then talk about my feelings, and tell her how much she reminds me of my mom. 

Remember, this is a program that lost a lot more than just Calipari. Tyreke Evans was a high draft pick. Robert Dozier and Antonio Anderson were veterans who contributed a lot.

Contributed a lot of what? Sperm to lesbians? Worth to the world (hahaha)? Debt to society? Yep, that one.

This program won 137 games over four years, and it will not be easy to duplicate that kind of success.

137. BAM, just did it Dick. Duplicated. It's called copy and paste motha fucka. Get into the 21st century.

Pastner knows the future is solid since he is a recruiting machine.

Literally, a goddamn machine. He plays NCAA basketball 2010 all fucking day. He knows shit. He's already got his strategy ready for 2040. He's getting Wilter McGueiss.

He has landed a number of talented players for next season, led by Will Barton, who is ranked in the top 10 of most services.

And by services, he means the service industry. This asshole can stock shelves with the best of them. Don't try to hold him back, HE'LL COUNT INVENTORY ALL MUTHA FUCKIN NIGHT!

Memphis fans have to be patient.

Seriously. Read a damn book or something. Or watch the football team. Or gouge your eyes out with a plastic snow shovel. All are equally enticing.

 What's redundant mean again Dick? How 'bout you give me an example.

This is an athletic team with tremendous potential in the future.


The expectations may have grown after pushing the top-ranked team in America to the limit.

Yeah, to the limit. And then limit for the #1 team is endless. Therefore x->∞. Then, Kansas is the sum of all it's parts so ∑(Kansas' roster - Morningstar* Withey). All that differentiated so, ƒ(Memphis)=∫ ∑ (Kansas' roster- Morningstar*Withey) Ix->∞I.

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