Being from Kansas, I know my fair share of Christian friends. I have Rush Limbaugh on my email list and Glenn Beck on speed dial, but those guys are nothing compared to the guy in my mailing list. That is, of course, the radical and ruthless Civil Liberties lover, Fred Phelps.
Fred is quite a wordsmith as you can see here, so what else is there to do but hand this man the column he so deserves. We wanted to hear his thoughts on the Antawn Jamison trade to Cleveland yesterday.
(Unlocks maximum security cell)
WAHHHHHHH! Oh Jesus loving Christ I love being straight. How you doin' Permers. YOU'RE ALL SINNERS IF YOU'RE READING THIS! You hear me. Sinners. All of you.
Now let's get down right holy here. From what I hear, this guy, Antawn(?) has moved to Cleveland. Well, you know how I feel about Cleveland. It's a bunch of FAGGOTS. Just like all ya'll. Ya'll know that hip swinging adulterist bunch of faggots in the rock and roll hell of fame? Of course you do you antichrist gay lovers.
I also hear that Antawn is a n*****(edited). You know how I feel bout all dem n******. I'M NOT A FAN. I hear there is a jew black in the hell of flame. Lenny Juden I think it is. HE'S THE REASON I PROTEST SOLDIER FUNERALS.
Of course, I love Lebron James. Been a fan since he came from St. Vincent–St. Mary. Mary is mah favorite bible woman. SHE KNEW HOW TO KEEP THE CHASTITY BELT LOCKED, AND GIVE GOD THE KEY. That's what I like to see. And the boy married his high school sweet heart, and made some Christ loving babies. LOVE LEBRON. THAT BOY WOULD BE ONE HELL OF A WORKER ON MY TOBACCO FARM.
So in my educated opinion, If any gays are at the Cavaliers game, then LOOOOOOOOSSSSEEEEE. If gays are banned and pot smokers are burned in blunt wraps and books by Henry Thoreau, then give them the trophy. WHOOO. Especially if that gun totin' Delonte West is on there. I LIKE HIS WAYS. I ALWAYS DRIVE WITH MY 12 GAGE OUT THE WINDOW AND MY BURNING WOODEN CROSS HANGING OUT THE BACK OF MY TRUCK. GO CAVS!
P.S. – DON'T BE GAY!