February 17, 2010

A new tradition at Oregon

We all remember LeGarrette Blount. His rock 'em, sock 'em nature was arguably the most memorable moment of the 2009 college football season, which makes it even more impressive considering it took place in the opening game. Who could have predicted that Blount's actions would have started a trend that future Oregon tailbacks would uphold in his honor?

So far LaMichael James, the man who took over in Blount's suspended absence, has succeeded in following in his predecessor's footsteps (or should I say, handprints?). It seems Chip Kelly likes his tailbacks' hands to be as quick and punishing as their legs. The Perm was lucky enough to speak with Kelly via Skype (get with the times, Daulerio) to see what exactly goes into his tailback recruitment process and what he expects from his squad of Popeyes next season.

Herm's Perm: So coach, how did you react when you heard the news about LaMichael James' recent assault allegations?

Chip Kelly: I tell you what - I have this secret liquor cabinet hidden away in a vault behind a picture of LeGarrette's shining moment from last season and poured m'self a shot of my 1930's Jack Daniels. Of course I'll have to address the media about the subject, but getting a little tipsy is the only way I'll be able to keep a straight face when I tell them that LaMike will be suspended for the upcoming season. HA! You kiddin' me? I'll make sure that man is suited up and punching by week 4.

HP: You mean running by week 4?

CK: Sure, that too I s'pose.

HP: Coach, aren't you afraid of the negative reputation for your program from all this violence at the running back position?

CK: Now look here, son. I coached at THE University of New Hampshire. You know what that means? It means the only way we could recruit real athletes (ed. note: we believe Kelly is referring to African Americans here) is if they had some kind of criminal record of physical violence or aggression. You remember David Ball? Yeah, the one who raped Jerry Rice's records both figuratively and literally? That man had a history of battery that would embarrass the energizer bunny.

HP: Aren't you worried about James missing games due to possible incarceration?

CK: Absolutely not. You can't get cancer from beatin' the shit out of other people.

HP: I said incarceration, not carcinog... never mind. Thanks for your time, coach.

CK: Thank you. (slaps webcam off his desk)

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