May 10, 2010

Holy draft busts Batman! Look at all the early entries


Friday was the day when you (the NBA draft potential college basketball player) decides to tell your classmates to fuck off. This year, more that any other, was one where a lot schools were told to fuck off. A fucking lot. Thanks to ESPN, and their awesome list, I will now be grading them on how I feel about each of the early entrants based on three principles. How I liked them when (or if) I saw them. Whether their name looks douchy and of course if I hate their college or not. O LET'S DO IT!

Solomon Alabi Florida State - African descent. You know he's good. Lot's of black in him. He's a def can't miss.
Cole Aldrich Kansas - BEST WHITE GUY IN THE DRAFT!
Lavoy Allen Temple - Jewish. He has no chance.
Al-Farouq Aminu Wake Forest - Arab. May or may not be explosive.
James Anderson Oklahoma State - Whitest name for the blackest player. He's gonna be a shooter. That's it
Kevin Anderson Richmond - Mascot is a spider. Lanky athlete with a small torso. Maybe.
Luke Babbitt Nevada - LUKE BABBABOOIE. BABBABOOIE. That's all.
Armon Bassett Ohio - If he has anything to do with Bassett furniture he's screwed.
Talor Battle Penn State - Asshole can't even spell TaYlor right. Might battle on the boards.
Keith Benson Oakland - Mistah FAB?
Eric Bledsoe Kentucky - No one likes you Eric. Too good for a k asshole? Best case scenario. Getting to back up for Tom Brady.
Anatoly Bose Nicholls State - Bose? BASS? TREBLE? RIM RATTLING?!
Dee Bost Mississippi State - Dee is short for Delores. WNBA potential.
Craig Brackins Iowa State - 42 points against KU two years ago. He's good. But he's from Iowa. DILEMMA?!
Avery Bradley Texas - Is no Avery Johnson. He has no on air presence. Also sucks at basketball.

Derrick Caracter UTEP - Sounds like a black guy. Unlimited potential.
DeMarcus Cousins Kentucky - He really likes his last name. So much he fucks them.
Jordan Crawford Xavier - Dunked on Lebron. NUFF SAID.
Ed Davis North Carolina - Knees are made out of Faberge Eggs. Drafted by the Clippers.
Mike Davis Illinois - Unoriginal name. Destined to be a Jason Williams bench man.
Paul Davis Winston-Salem State - SAME!
Malcolm Delaney Virginia Tech - He must have good aim coming from Va Tech.
Devin Ebanks West Virginia - I really don't think he does anything well. Just average.
Kenneth Faried Morehead State - Probably won't get any Morehead.
Derrick Favors Georgia Tech - But Derrick will definitely get some sexual Favors. HIGH LOTTERY YAY!
Courtney Fortson Arkansas - WNBA STAR!
Jimmer Fredette BYU - Mormon.
Keith "Tiny" Gallon Oklahoma - Better drink a Gallon of bleach. You'd be just as well off.
Charles Garcia Seattle - Doesn't have an NBA team.
Paul George Fresno State - Jeff George's son. Will play for the Chiefs and inevitably suck ass.
Anthony Gurley UMass - Last name says it all.
Manny Harris Michigan - Dominican. Swing passes? Steals (of bases)?
Gordon Hayward Butler - Ring finger is missing something.
Jeremy Hazell Seton Hall - Underrated star. Something like a Mo Williams. Only serious prediction ever.
Xavier Henry Kansas - Asshole exited too early. He's a fucking abortion. WHY DID YOU LEAVE US XAVIER?
Darington Hobson New Mexico - Sells METH!
Adnan Hodzic Lipscomb - Uhhhhh...
Armon Johnson Nevada - ...hhhhhhhh...
JaJuan Johnson Purdue - ...hhhhhhhhhhhh...
Ravern Johnson Mississippi State - ...hhhh...WTF?
Wesley Johnson Syracuse - Iowa State. Your argument is invalid.
Cameron Jones Northern Arizona - ...Uhhhh...
Dominique Jones South Florida - ...hhhhhhh...
Mac Koshwal DePaul - ...hhhhhhh... SERIOUSLY?
Sylven Landesberg Virginia - YOU ARE FUCKING KIDDING ME!?
Gani Lawal Georgia Tech - Oh, he's good I think?
Kenny Lawson Creighton - AAAAAHHHHHH!?
Tommy Mason-Griffin Oklahoma - Seriously. You are like 5' 2". Hyphens are for widows asshole.
Demetri McCamey Illinois - If he's friends with Demetri Martin then he's cool.
Elijah Millsap UAB - Paul's brother. Maybe he can beat the Lakers.
Greg Monroe Georgetown - Too short. Also a vagina. Also, OBAMA CURSE.
E'Twaun Moore Purdue - Can't shoot because he just deferred to Robbie Hummel.
Arnett Moultrie UTEP - French. Could be good with a side of escargot
A.J. Ogilvy Vanderbilt - AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE. DON'T FUCKING DRAFT!
Daniel Orton Kentucky - Weird head. I don't like that kind of thing.
Patrick Patterson Kentucky - Nice mustache. I LIKE THAT KIND OF THING!
Rico Pickett Manhattan - He'll be drunk all the time. You shouldn't draft him.
Eniel Polynice Mississippi - Lay off the French you asshole. I just got smothered in fucking Nutella after reading that name.
Herb Pope Seton Hall - Seriously?
Jeff Robinson Seton Hall - Three early entrants from Seton Hall?
Samardo Samuels Louisville - Rick Pitino did him at a restaurant. Can't blame him for leaving.
Larry Sanders Virginia Commonwealth - COOK ME SOME CHICKEN!
John Sloan Huntingdon (AL) - Jerry Sloan's son. He'll play for 25 years and never win a championship.
Tracy Smith NC State - WNBA BENCH WARMER.
Lance Stephenson Cincinnati - When KU rejects you, you know you're in trouble.
Lazar Trifunovic Radford - Best first name evar. I'm changing my name.
Evan Turner Ohio State - He's good.
Alex Tyus Florida - PREMATURE BALDING
Ekpe Udoh Baylor - My favorite player in the draft. Could be the best in the draft if everything lines up. Also, he's got a very African name. He can't fail.
John Wall Kentucky - LEVITATION SPELL!
Willie Warren Oklahoma - Alliterations never go wrong in the NBA.
Quinton Watkins San Diego State - ...
C.J. Webster San Jose State - ...Umm...
Terrico White Mississippi - ...?...
Hassan Whiteside Marshall - ......
Elliot Williams Memphis - ...Goddammit...YOU WON'T BE DRAFTED ASSHOLE!
Stevy Worah-Ozimo Slippery Rock - YOU EITHER!
Chris Wright Dayton - OR YOU!
Jahmar Young New Mexico State - OR YOUR MOM!

As we can see, everyone left for the NBA. Everyone except for Duke players. WHITE PEOPLE!!!(shakes fist at Nolan Smith picture)

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