Friday was the day when you (the NBA draft potential college basketball player) decides to tell your classmates to fuck off. This year, more that any other, was one where a lot schools were told to fuck off. A fucking lot. Thanks to ESPN, and their awesome list, I will now be grading them on how I feel about each of the early entrants based on three principles. How I liked them when (or if) I saw them. Whether their name looks douchy and of course if I hate their college or not. O LET'S DO IT!
| Solomon Alabi | Florida State - African descent. You know he's good. Lot's of black in him. He's a def can't miss. | |
| Cole Aldrich | Kansas - BEST WHITE GUY IN THE DRAFT! | |
| Lavoy Allen | Temple - Jewish. He has no chance. | |
| Al-Farouq Aminu | Wake Forest - Arab. May or may not be explosive. | |
| James Anderson | Oklahoma State - Whitest name for the blackest player. He's gonna be a shooter. That's it | |
| Kevin Anderson | Richmond - Mascot is a spider. Lanky athlete with a small torso. Maybe. | |
| Luke Babbitt | Nevada - LUKE BABBABOOIE. BABBABOOIE. That's all. | |
| Armon Bassett | Ohio - If he has anything to do with Bassett furniture he's screwed. | |
| Talor Battle | Penn State - Asshole can't even spell TaYlor right. Might battle on the boards. | |
| Keith Benson | Oakland - Mistah FAB? | |
| Eric Bledsoe | Kentucky - No one likes you Eric. Too good for a k asshole? Best case scenario. Getting to back up for Tom Brady. | |
| Anatoly Bose | Nicholls State - Bose? BASS? TREBLE? RIM RATTLING?! | |
| Dee Bost | Mississippi State - Dee is short for Delores. WNBA potential. | |
| Craig Brackins | Iowa State - 42 points against KU two years ago. He's good. But he's from Iowa. DILEMMA?! | |
| Avery Bradley | Texas - Is no Avery Johnson. He has no on air presence. Also sucks at basketball. | |
| Derrick Caracter | UTEP - Sounds like a black guy. Unlimited potential. | |
| DeMarcus Cousins | Kentucky - He really likes his last name. So much he fucks them. | |
| Jordan Crawford | Xavier - Dunked on Lebron. NUFF SAID. | |
| Ed Davis | North Carolina - Knees are made out of Faberge Eggs. Drafted by the Clippers. | |
| Mike Davis | Illinois - Unoriginal name. Destined to be a Jason Williams bench man. | |
| Paul Davis | Winston-Salem State - SAME! | |
| Malcolm Delaney | Virginia Tech - He must have good aim coming from Va Tech. | |
| Devin Ebanks | West Virginia - I really don't think he does anything well. Just average. | |
| Kenneth Faried | Morehead State - Probably won't get any Morehead. | |
| Derrick Favors | Georgia Tech - But Derrick will definitely get some sexual Favors. HIGH LOTTERY YAY! | |
| Courtney Fortson | Arkansas - WNBA STAR! | |
| Jimmer Fredette | BYU - Mormon. | |
| Keith "Tiny" Gallon | Oklahoma - Better drink a Gallon of bleach. You'd be just as well off. | |
| Charles Garcia | Seattle - Doesn't have an NBA team. | |
| Paul George | Fresno State - Jeff George's son. Will play for the Chiefs and inevitably suck ass. | |
| Anthony Gurley | UMass - Last name says it all. | |
| Manny Harris | Michigan - Dominican. Swing passes? Steals (of bases)? | |
| Gordon Hayward | Butler - Ring finger is missing something. | |
| Jeremy Hazell | Seton Hall - Underrated star. Something like a Mo Williams. Only serious prediction ever. | |
| Xavier Henry | Kansas - Asshole exited too early. He's a fucking abortion. WHY DID YOU LEAVE US XAVIER? | |
| Darington Hobson | New Mexico - Sells METH! | |
| Adnan Hodzic | Lipscomb - Uhhhhh... | |
| Armon Johnson | Nevada - ...hhhhhhhh... | |
| JaJuan Johnson | Purdue - ...hhhhhhhhhhhh... | |
| Ravern Johnson | Mississippi State - ...hhhh...WTF? | |
| Wesley Johnson | Syracuse - Iowa State. Your argument is invalid. | |
| Cameron Jones | Northern Arizona - ...Uhhhh... | |
| Dominique Jones | South Florida - ...hhhhhhh... | |
| Mac Koshwal | DePaul - ...hhhhhhh... SERIOUSLY? | |
| Sylven Landesberg | Virginia - YOU ARE FUCKING KIDDING ME!? | |
| Gani Lawal | Georgia Tech - Oh, he's good I think? | |
| Kenny Lawson | Creighton - AAAAAHHHHHH!? | |
| Tommy Mason-Griffin | Oklahoma - Seriously. You are like 5' 2". Hyphens are for widows asshole. | |
| Demetri McCamey | Illinois - If he's friends with Demetri Martin then he's cool. | |
| Elijah Millsap | UAB - Paul's brother. Maybe he can beat the Lakers. | |
| Greg Monroe | Georgetown - Too short. Also a vagina. Also, OBAMA CURSE. | |
| E'Twaun Moore | Purdue - Can't shoot because he just deferred to Robbie Hummel. | |
| Arnett Moultrie | UTEP - French. Could be good with a side of escargot | |
| A.J. Ogilvy | Vanderbilt - AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE. DON'T FUCKING DRAFT! | |
| Daniel Orton | Kentucky - Weird head. I don't like that kind of thing. | |
| Patrick Patterson | Kentucky - Nice mustache. I LIKE THAT KIND OF THING! | |
| Rico Pickett | Manhattan - He'll be drunk all the time. You shouldn't draft him. | |
| Eniel Polynice | Mississippi - Lay off the French you asshole. I just got smothered in fucking Nutella after reading that name. | |
| Herb Pope | Seton Hall - Seriously? | |
| Jeff Robinson | Seton Hall - Three early entrants from Seton Hall? | |
| Samardo Samuels | Louisville - Rick Pitino did him at a restaurant. Can't blame him for leaving. | |
| Larry Sanders | Virginia Commonwealth - COOK ME SOME CHICKEN! | |
| John Sloan | Huntingdon (AL) - Jerry Sloan's son. He'll play for 25 years and never win a championship. | |
| Tracy Smith | NC State - WNBA BENCH WARMER. | |
| Lance Stephenson | Cincinnati - When KU rejects you, you know you're in trouble. | |
| Lazar Trifunovic | Radford - Best first name evar. I'm changing my name. | |
| Evan Turner | Ohio State - He's good. | |
| Alex Tyus | Florida - PREMATURE BALDING | |
| Ekpe Udoh | Baylor - My favorite player in the draft. Could be the best in the draft if everything lines up. Also, he's got a very African name. He can't fail. | |
| John Wall | Kentucky - LEVITATION SPELL! | |
| Willie Warren | Oklahoma - Alliterations never go wrong in the NBA. | |
| Quinton Watkins | San Diego State - ... | |
| C.J. Webster | San Jose State - ...Umm... | |
| Terrico White | Mississippi - ...?... | |
| Hassan Whiteside | Marshall - ...... | |
| Elliot Williams | Memphis - ...Goddammit...YOU WON'T BE DRAFTED ASSHOLE! | |
| Stevy Worah-Ozimo | Slippery Rock - YOU EITHER! | |
| Chris Wright | Dayton - OR YOU! | |
| Jahmar Young | New Mexico State - OR YOUR MOM! |
As we can see, everyone left for the NBA. Everyone except for Duke players. WHITE PEOPLE!!!(shakes fist at Nolan Smith picture)
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