January 18, 2013


I'm still waiting for someone to release a screenshot (probably photoshopped, but at this point what's the difference) of Manti Te'o's Facebook page with his relationship status set to "it's complicated." By now you've likely heard the story, been perplexedly amused, acted aloof to at least one friend who hasn't seen Catfish, and tweeted a joke or two about Te'o being a loser/idiot/virgin (or combination of the three). I did, anyway.

Lennay Kekua giving Tyler Durden a blowjob

However, having a fake/online-only/ghost girlfriend isn't all bad. For one, they're free; no fancy dinners, extravagant gifts or expensive trips to Planned Parenthood for some Plan B. They don't get pissed when you forget to call/text or decide to watch porn instead of skyping them goodnight. They can have the perfect figure, a supermodel face, or even be bi-racial because WHO CARES YOU MADE THEM UP, FULL CREATIVE LICENSE.

I'm not saying that Te'o went about his dating life in the best manner, but I feel like there are worse options than dating a GHOSTLADY. So, without further ado, here are three examples:

1. Vanessa Bryant
Nobody denies that Kobe Bryant is an asshole. Jordan was an asshole. So was bird. It's part of having that "killer instinct."Interesting how that seems to only apply to basketball players. Tom Brady and Adrian Peterson? Adorably humble. But only Vanessa Bryant can out-asshole her husband. She gets her rocks off by watching her housekeeper finger doggie poo and is THE ONLY WIFE allowed to hang out in the hallway for his husband. DAMMIT WOMAN, YOU CAN'T WAIT ONE HALF OF BASKETBALL WITHOUT GETTING SOME SUGAR? NO WONDER KOBE CHEATS ON YOU DURING EVERY ROAD GAME. NO. DAMN. TRUST.

2. Taylor Swift
You think it's because I don't want a whiny sob song written about me? WRONG. If the world could know that I went to poundtown on its darling pop princess, I'd make a gold caste of my penis and use it as a hood ornament. You don't want to date this girl because she's BORING. At least Bieber's partying and smokin da reefa. I bet her idea of a wild Friday is making her boyfriend memorize her song lyrics while watching HGTV and cuddling. YOU'RE 23, COME OUT WITH A SEX TAPE ALREADY.

3. Lena Dunham
Take a careful look at the photo above and tell me that's not not Kuato on her torso.

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