January 14, 2013

Lance Armstrong is going to retroactively not lie tonight?

I'm sorry for smoking pot before this picture
Tonight, Lance Armstrong is going to apologize for being a bad liar for the past however many years. And Oprah is doing it, for some reason. Is it on the O channel or something? I'm still a bit fuzzy on the details. Just had a blood transfusion. I'm breathing so well right now. I FELL LIKE A FUCKING FIGHTER JET ENGINE IN HUMAN FORM.

Anyways, I don't have an idea how they will long they will draw this apology out for, but my guess is that it's a 30 minute Oprah thing. I have no idea how they will fill that time. Probably with more apologies.

"I'm sorry, for 9-11. I should have had my bike there that day, so I could drive everyone out of the buildings"

"I'm sorry for Hitler. My life goal was always to pedal fast enough on a bike to go back in time and smother Hitler's mom with a goose feather pillow. I let down my country, and more importantly, me."

"I want to apologize for the Sandy Hook. I wanted to give everyone in America a bike. That would in turn boost the morale of the nation, and no one would be depressed or crazy, and want to shoot up a school. It's my fault. I am to blame." *holds out hands for cufflinks*

"I DO NOT APOLOGIZE FOR MARTIN LUTHER KING'S DEATH. HE GOT WHAT HE DESERVED." *drops mic and walks off stage, all while keeping unblinking eye contact with Oprah*

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