October 14, 2009

Fat, Ugly Tennessean Bitch Suggests Worthless Titans Turnaround Strategy

So I got this story from Deadspin. What the fuck is new. It's about the NFL. Let's dive in like a Michael Phelps relay.

The rationale here is that a "cuddle sesh" will be the key to a Titans turnaround because...

Wait for it...

...Nothing else is working. Well, fat columnist Sally Strothers, I beg to differ. In fact, I'll make a fucking list of alternative explanations:

1. Your defense is a collective piece of shit. I honestly can't name one person on that squad. No Haynesworth (but I hear he's doing GREAT in Washington! Two wins against two 0-5 teams by a combined six points count for something!), aaaaand that's about it.

2. Vince "Chemical Imbalanced Savior" Young. 22 touchdowns and 32 interceptions are numbers typically relegated to Ryan Leaf, if the NFL gave him that much playing time. As sad as it might be, I would take JaMarcus over this headcase.

3. Your coach looks like a used car salesman. Somebody please explain to me how Jeff Fisher is the longest-tenured head coach in the league. He's been using his goatee to dupe the Titans' front office into thinking that he can actually call plays. Facial hair, of any kind, is the ultimate weapon of deception. Just ask this guy. Also why Belichick never cheated. Find a picture with Bill growing a beard/moustache and I will urinate on your poodle.

4. Like all teams with baby blue on your jerseys, you're vastly overrated. Titans, Chargers, Panthers, UCLA. Case closed.

5. LenDale White never plays. This man was thoughtful enough to stop drinking Patron for you. PATRON. DO YOU KNOW HOW DIFFICULT THAT IS? And you repay him with a nice, cozy spot on the bench? That's like taking candy from a baby. AND THEN WALLOPING ON IT WITH A 5-IRON. Just cruel.

6. Obligatory "your quarterback is a drunk" taunt. Wait, this is a good thing. Party on, Kerry!

7. Teams covered by fat columnists are bound to suck. Just ask Wilt about his Chiefs. They haven't won since 'Nam. And which Kansas City Star columnists berate their red-clad home team on a daily basis? These guys:

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