October 15, 2009

Missing Your JP Losman Fix?

After watching the ridiculously exciting US soccer match against Puerto Rico (yeah fuck you self-governing unincorporated territory of the United States), I began my nightly channel surfing of the HD stations, hoping to find something to pass the time before I pound 10 Ambien and go to bed. I was expecting to land on an episode of Mythbusters, or maybe stumble upon a late night showing of Pulp Fiction. What I didn't expect was finding JP Losman and Jim Haslett in HD.

Where, you might ask, is JP Losman still employed, in a setting not involving fried potatoes and mayonnaise? The great UFL. United Football League. A place where fallen head coaches try to recover some semblance of respect, while actually looking more washed up than Samoa.

Don't forget your favorite shitty players you used to hate. If Mike McMahon didn't piss you off enough in Philadelphia, then you can just flip to Versus and get your 4th string QB talent out of your system.

If you like obscure nicknames, then the UFL is also for you. Do you like saving the environment? Well the California Redwoods are your team.

Are you a toy train enthusiast? Get your football through the Vegas Locamotives.

Originate from Hawaii? Florida Tuskers.

Employed as a minute man on the Rio Grande? Then you are just right for the Sentinals.

And thats it. Literally only four teams. It's so easy to follow your favorite players when there are only four teams. The fantasy leagues are great in the UFL too. The top four picks get QB's and the rest are shit out of luck. SO MUCH FUN.

But the best niche that the UFL goes for are the ADD kids of this gener...is that a butterfly? That shouldn't be alive, it's like 40 degrees out. Where was I? Oh yeah, -ation. When that game pops up on TV, I dare you to not look away. If you've ever wondered what it would be like if the NFL only had neon colors on their refs, players, and chains, then the UFL is for you. Get your seizure here, on Versus, instead of the normal diabetic one Jay Cutler gets when his mommy forgets to buy a snickers at Walmart.

Finally, If I haven't sold you on the United Way Football League, then you clearly don't know the best rule. The OT isn't sudden death.

So to recap, I will just spout out random parts of the UFL and you can make of it what you want. JP Losman, powder blue, Vegas, Denny Green, red refs, six week season, four teams, birch trees, Sante Fe Railroad, Pork, Gears of War enemys.

I can tell your interested, so watch on Saturday, when the Redwoods (not describing a dog's penis) and Sentinels square off. The UFL, where Oklahoma could beat any one of your teams, happens

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