Abusive Coaches Anonymous

In a local Tampa Bay high school locker room, three figures are seen sitting in folding chairs, all facing each other. They sip coffee and nibble on stale danishes while discussing sports, their wives' cooking and other inconsequential topics. Suddenly, the door is violently thrown open, revealing an aryan-looking man in a green polo and visor.

Leavitt: OLLY OLLY OXEN FREE! JIMMYBOY'S HERE! Shit, this is one sorry-looking pack of pussies. I have to waste an hour of my Friday night for the next 10 weeks with you assholes? (throws hat on ground). DAG GUMMIT!



Mangino: gerfrummf dorrel mmmffafla, Jim.

Cable: Easy, Mark. Finish your danish, then welcome our newest member. Now, what were you saying?

Mangino: Please sit down, Jim. Bobby, why doncha be a pal and hand 'ol Marky another. These are SO good. Where'd you say you got em?

Knight: THEY'VE BEEN SITTING IN THE TRASH CAN OUTSIDE MY APARTMENT FOR THREE WEEKS. I'M STARTING TO THINK THAT YOU RESIGNED FOR TRYING TO INGEST A PLAYER, NOT HIT ONE (turns to the door). SIT THE FUCK DOWN, LEAVITT (throws chair in Leavitt's direction)

Leavitt: Now that's more fucking like it! Hey fatso, CATCH! (hits Mangino in the face with a stale danish)

Mangino: Owwie!

Cable: Now lets everyone calm down. Jim, why don't you introduce yourself and explain why you're here.

Leavitt: Why I'm here? Why I'M here? Because some pussy-lipped second-stringer, who should have been aborted long before I made the mistake of recruiting him, couldn't take a little five-fingered thunder to the gut after he missed 3 straight blocking assignments.

Knight: Are you wearing brass knuckles right now? I FUCKING LOVE THIS GUY. YOU SHOWED THAT THE HOOSIERDADDY TREATMENT! (fist-bumps Leavitt) AH, IT HURTS SOOOOO GOOD.

Cable: Well, Jim, you're also here because we are going to help you transition into a more publicly-accepted coaching style. DAMMIT MANGINO, PUT DOWN THAT TABLECLOTH.

Mangino: mrrrmph brrrtl smmmmm gmmmmm. (spits out tablecloth) But it tastes like the danishes, which are all gone. Marky still hunnnngryyyyyyyy. I really don't know how those Darfur children can go so long without eating. It's impossible!

Leavitt: I tell you what, Cable. HOWS ABOUT I PLOW YOUR GIRLFRIEND WHILE PULLING HER HAIR WITH MY RIGHT HAND AND GIVING YOU A TASTE OF MY BRASS WITH MY LEFT WHILE YOU WATCH?

Knight: Man, me and Bird used to do that back in Hoosierville. I'M IN! (kicks Mangino in the stomach and sprints out the door)

Mangino: OOMPH! As long as it's catered, put me on the guest list. Hey Jimmy boy, you mind giving lil Marky a hand? My weight seems to have caused this chair to fold inwards, trapping my asscheeks and preventing me from getting up. Happens now and again. Also, I might have soiled myself, so careful of the stench when I stand up!

Cable: Guys! Guys! We still have 45 minutes!

Leavitt: Save it, you sissy. It's easy to fight someone your own age. Try going up against a fit college boy and then come talk to us (spits on Cable and walks out behind a waddling Mangino). C'mon tubs. I'm gonna watch Bobby use you as the bed he fucks Cable's girl on. YEEHAW!