December 19, 2009

Dick Vitale Writes?! - John Cheatapari

For those who have never heard of Fire Joe Morgan, then you should be ashamed. They created a blog just for the act of reading between the lines of poorly written baseball stories. Since they have shut down and moved on to bigger things, there has been a hole in the blogosphere for readers to revel in the idiocrocy that is mediocre sports writing. Doing my part to fix this, I have decided to take up where they left off, and give Dick Vitale what he has been needing for a long time -- someone to bring him down to earth.

Wilt in italics.

Dick in bold.

When John Calipari looked at his early-season schedule, he had to feel that the three-game stretch against North Carolina, Connecticut at Madison Square Garden and at Indiana was going to be a bumpy road.

Like driving over a road constructed of great blue whales. 

Talk about three straight challenges, baby! 

SO MANY CHALLENGES! It's like fucking Legends of the Hidden Temple in Kentucky.  Already got dibs on Blue Barracudas. Sorry John Wall.

Now that the Wildcats have survived all three tests, Calipari has a reason to smile.

Not so fast.

Remember, this is a young Kentucky squad starting three freshmen.

Oh I remember. I remember because that is in the current time period and it's so recent that I couldn't forget. Then again, his readership consists of 70-100 year old's so they may not even know what year it is.

It helps to have the premier diaper dandy in John Wall.

It also helps to have bags of money and drugs to give to John Wall so he plays at your school.

I was lucky enough to see Mr. Wall, a sensational talent, in person at Madison Square Garden for the Connecticut game. 

Look at me. I go to MSG and hang out with John Wall. I'm better than you. Oh did I mention I watched Connecticut too. Yeah. I FUCKING DID.

There is no doubt that he is a one-and-done player, so fans have to enjoy him this season.

Or you'll never see him ever again, because the NBA is death to players. Once he leaves your school, he leaves your SOUL.

He wanted the ball down the stretch in a close game, and he was Mr. Clutch, putting on a show.

Wall was better than a Broadway show. Better than Chicago, or Rent, or even Wicked. HE'S A FUCKING SHOW STOPPER!

He made big shot after big shot as the Garden was really rocking.

He played in front of Veggietales?

The place was electric that night as there were stars everywhere, from Michael Douglas to Pat Riley, The Big O (Oscar Robertson), Chris Mullin, Looie Carnesecca, John Thompson... and they saw a player who should be a superstar at the next level.

Michael Douglas? A star? Pat Riley is a fucking GM, not a star. The rest are former basketball players and coaches. None of which are stars. I'll tell you who is a star, Scarlett Johansson.

Wall is the best point guard prospect I have seen in the last 10 years.


I was in awe watching his speed and quickness with the basketball.

In awe, you hear that? IN AWE. It's like Dick was watching the damn Pope he was so in awe.

He is so explosive and he took the game over in the end. Wall showed why he is number one in the eyes of many NBA general managers!

Ok, can we just assume he is number one in the eyes of every NBA GM? Xavier Henry is the only one that has a chance to go ahead of Wall, and he is no where near as ready, so yes Johnny Wall is the top pick. Might as well just draft him now New Jersey.

Kentucky then faced a danger game in Bloomington.


Indiana. Tom Crean's Hoosiers raced out to an early eight-point lead, but the Wildcats showed maturity by fighting back.

Kentucky encompasses everything that Rocky is. EVERYTHING I SAY.

Kentucky took charge in the second half and came away with a convincing victory. 

It was so convincing the republicans in the senate decided to vote for the health care bill.

At 10-0, Calipari has matched Adolph Rupp for the best start by a first-year Wildcats coach. 

Good for him? 

With a favorable schedule ahead (Austin Peay, Drexel, Long Beach State and Hartford), it looks like Calipari will be 14-0 heading into a showdown against Rick Pitino and his Louisville Cardinals.

OH daymn. Battle of the cheating coaches. One couldn't stay faithful to his wife and one couldn't stay faithful to the NCAA rule book.

Rupp Arena will be electric!! Pitno is sharp as ever -- Cardinal fans should not panic as they must get healthy.

Best. Transition. Ever.

Kentucky fans are the most passionate in America.

Eh hmmm? Are you fucking my eyes Dick? ARE YOU? I once said I wanted to kill  you because you said Florida was better than KU. How dare you say that Kentucky is any more passionate than KU fans. We have little else to look forward to than painting barns and grinding wheat. Plus UNC and Duke are better than Kentucky. You're just a dumb fucking faggot. That's right. Faggot.

Right now, they have a lot to cheer about as Calipari and company have gone through a major hurdle, three tough tests.

Yep, and now only three more tests the rest of the year. Kentucky: overrated team of most overrated team?

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