December 19, 2009

Let's play "find the basketball game in Jerry's giant stadium" (a Horns-Heels liveblog)

Could it be any more obvious that Jerry Jones is struggling to recover all the debt that he created when he built his new castlestadium? I can't wait 'til it hosts the NCAA baton-twirling championships! I watched several dome-hosted basketball games in my freshman year at Syracuse and for those of you who are unfamiliar with that set up, they place rafters at midfield that basically cut the space in half so people can actually see the game from their seats. I guess only Texans are dumb enough to pay for a seat so far away that they are technically in Louisiana.

Bubb, who thinks UNC will emerge victorious, will be writing in red.

Wilt, who can't seem to follow the trend of Texas teams playing horribly in their Jerrystadium debut (Cowboys, Longhorns football) and thinks the Horns will win, will write in blue.

Lets begin.

1:13 - One pass and shoot. THAT'S IT. This game is going to be ugly. Roy hurt his arm. How? Jacking off Tyler Hansbrough. Hansbrough is so damn hard to keep under control when you're jacking it. Just ask Dick Vitale.

1:15 - Texas, possibly the most self-proclaimed American state in the nation, has two foreigners on the court. They've accounted for all 4 of the team's points. We have 9 points in the first four minutes and well on our way to an 'ole fashioned Texas shootout. The kind without guns.

1:20 - The type of shoot out where cows and boot heels are involved. I think we can both agree that these two mascots are among the worst in the country, yet their teams are good. It's so fucking backwards. Tommy Trojan, Big Jay = awesome. A fucking ram for the tar heels? GAY. Don't forget, it's the second day of Hanuka, and you know what that means. The jew from Turkey on Texas will be all "Imma light a candle on your ass" today.

1:25 - It appears Bubb has lost power to his laptop, but I'll continue. Dick has already blessed 70% of these players as "the best players in the future." I don't think reserve is in Dick's vocabulary. Also, as Dick was talking about Dexter Pittman's weight loss, he had a stroke and said body about 80 times in one sentence. It was a complete sentence too. The man is crazy.

1:28 - Don't know what calendar you're using, but I think it's the last night of Hannukah. It's a 17-16 Texas lead going into the 12-minute TV timeout mark. Dick's play-by-play guy, who's so overshadowed by Mr. Vitale's imposing jibberjabber that I don't know his name, points out that the Saints play the Cowboys later tonight. There's no way Herm's Perm can do two live blogs in one there? Go vote now!

1:35 - TWO LIVE BLOGS? I might lose my mind if we did two live blogs. So much live I might as well be Xbox. -lil wayne. Not really lil wayne but it sounds like lil wayne. I haven't been fully paying attention to the game, but in the time that I have, it's been a shitfest. If you were looking for dumbass shots, then this game is yours. I watched Damian James stand on inch inside the line and pump 8 times then shoot with a hand in his face. Rick Barnes: if you need a coach that doesn't coach, but stares at his players and yells at refs.

1:39 - This just in: this year's NBA All-Star Game will also be in the Jerrydome. After a few sloppy up-and-down exchanges, Dexter Pittman hurls one off the glass and in. Dick Vitale exercises his ability to slur words together, telling viewers to lookadabigman!lookadabigman! 29-27 Texas at the 8-minute breakOHSHIT. George W Bush is in attendance, sporting his typical confident asshole smile. He still believes that he was the best President of all time. WHERE IS JOHN WILKS BOOTH WHEN YOU NEED HIM?

1:47 - Eddie Sutton in the house, AND HE'S NOT EVEN DRUNK! Can you believe it? I know I can't. I'm not sure where they got these refs, but hand checking is legal with one hand. I don't think they know this. They show a flash of the top 10 teams, as I jizz in my pants. KU on top. They will not be lower than one all year. At the six minute mark, a cluster fuck on the UNC side. grand total of 7 players camped under the hoop trying to pick up ONE ball. God this game is ugly. Oh, and another hand check on Pittman.

1:51 - Dexter Pittman just raped the hell out of Will Graves. This spawns a 5-0 run by the Horns, putting them up by four. DAMMIT WILT, WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PASS IT OFF DURING A TV TIMEOUT? 39-35 at the 4-minute mark. Thanks to a face shot of our two announcers, I now know that Dan Shulman is our play-by-play guy. Just a few minutes ago he admitted to his Canadian heritage, which explains a lot about why I don't know (nor care) who he is. Pittman returns, and his fat ass is LOVING these national TV timeouts.

2:02 - Dick Vitale has a website. Because you can't get enough old man mumbo jumbo in your college basketball, why not get it in your NFL and baseball? Also, Bill Self for coach of the year. He took Kansas to win a championship, Illiniois to the final four and championship game. He deserves it. Fuck Roy Williams. One minute left in the half, a half filled with recluse shots and 10 man in the paint rebounding. God I hate this game. It's so fucking bad. I don't think either these coaches know what "running a play" is. Wait, Rick Barnes is now officially catatonic. 

2:06 - Well Wilt, it appears that Barnes' passive coaching method has bested Williams' active approach, as Texas ends the half on a 20-6 run. It's 54-41 at the break and we cut to Steve Lavin attempting to dominate the halftime show by obnoxiously refusing to SHUT THE FUCK UP and let the other people talk. Seriously, overgelled hair just automatically turns you into an asshole. We'll resume when the game does.

2:22 - Wilt has made the dire mistake of going holiday shopping (we're non-denominational here, OKAY?) during halftime and probably won't return for at least an hour. Kansas City holiday shopping is more chaotic than an Israeli-Palestinian confrontation.

2:26 - Texas is making its case as a legit number two team in the nation.  The Horns have maintained their double-digit second half lead with relative ease. I'm getting hard just thinking about the Pittman-Aldrich matchup later this year. And yes, this is Bubb writing.

2:33 - Dickie V just likened North Carolina's basketball prestige to that of Notre Dame's football. Brian Kelly is already spending his new contract money wisely. Endorsements by Dickie V are always great PR/Marketing moves. Just ask hooters.


2:41 - North Carolina is within 9, but continues to struggle with the concept of "defense." SHUFFLE YOUR GOD DAMN FEET, MY PRIDE IS ON THE LINE HERE. WILT CANNOT WIN.

2:45 - It's 77-66 at the 12-minute break. Roy really loves his aryan boys, doesn't he? Three Hansbrough-looking white boys were on the floor at the time of the TV TO. This is why he is undeserving of the coach of the year award, every year.

2:49 - Dickie V is going to a Taylor Swift concert in 2010? Somebody alert the pedo-police! It's on record!

2:51 - With just over 10 minutes left, Texas is in the double-bonus. The Stadium's grounds crew is starting to sweat - at this rate, they'll only have three hours to get rid of the court and rafters before the 'Boys game.

2:53 - Carolina's leading scorer, Ed Davis, airballs a short jumpshot defended by Pittman. Dickie V explains why Davis missed the shot: "That was because of his hand." Transcendent.

2:55 - HOLYSHIT. Tarheels down seven, 82-75, and getting two free throws after the 8-minute break?? CAN I HAS COMEBAKZ? Wilt is probably still standing in line at the Bed, Bath and Beyond checkout.

3:01 - After cutting the lead to four, North Carolina runs the patented durrrrrrrrrrrr offense: a highly contested three by a freshman and two turnovers. Just like that, it's 89-80 Texas. Another reason Williams' aryan recruiting tactics fail: there's no Waffen-SS crew to shoot down players like Dexter Pittman, who is showing the gas chamber showers who's boss. 

3:08 - With four minutes left, and a nine point lead, I'd say I win this bet. Now, we bet nothing on this game, but if we had, I would be reaping spoils. This is cocky talk, because there are 4 min left, but I know when I win, I will rub it in. BIG 12 WINS EVERY TIME (unless Colorado and Baylor are involved). 

3:09 - Don't forget Iowa State. The respective reigns of Jamaal Tinsley, Tim Floyd and Seneca Wallace are long gone, my friend. AND FUCK YOU WORLD'S MOST BIGGEST FLAMING ASSHOLEJERKOFF. I WILL PUNCH THE NEXT PERSON I SEE HOLDING A BOTTLE OF DOS EQUIS.

3:14 -  BUT HE IS THE MOST INTERESTING PERSON IN THE WORLD. Just a warning to anyone thinking of going out and shopping. Don't. Just don't fucking try. It's horrible. This is the sole reason I need a girlfriend. So she can do pointless shit for me, while I sit here and talk about sports like a man. And by the way, Dick Vitale, you are a dumbass. KU is clearly better, you know, because we beat them last year, and finished better than them last year, and BROUGHT EVERY SINGLE GUY BACK. FUCK YOU. TEXAS LOST ABRAMS AND MASON. THEY ARE NOT BETTER. PLUS XAVIER HENRY. FUCK OFF YOU OLD HAG.

3:18 - Texas' white, Turkish point guard apparently shoots 40 percent from the line. How did Calipari overlook this guy? He probably wouldn't have to even take a standardized test to get into Kentucky? Even if he did, they'd probably just mail him the test and rely on the honor system for him not to cheat. FOOLPROOF! Texas has this in the bag. I don't know why I thought UNC would win after they couldn't beat DA 'CUSE. Dexter Pittman is a man. I'm out.

He's out, I'm in to gloat. YAY. BIG 12 DOMINANCE. BEST CONFERENCE IN THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm the shit, oh, I'm tha shit. OH I'M THE SHEEET IM THE SHEET, I'M THE SHEEEEEEEET UP IN THIS BITCH.

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