March 31, 2010

Lavin it up

Yes, sir. My penis is this tall when erected.
The newly retired sports color guy Steve Lavin just took his new job as the coach for the St. John's. Word is still out on whether the job implies child molestation, but according to Lavin, the job does imply a NCAA tournament appearence.

"Maybe I'm the Polish pope," Lavin said.

Ahh shit. Wrong quote. Hold on. (Scrambles through unstapled papers and pushes up glasses)

"If those five or six games are won, then they're in the NCAA tournament and I'm not talking to you today," Lavin said as he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pile of bullshit.

He was of course speaking of this years team that was barely above .500 in a weak Big East. He of course continued speaking about his confidence in this team.

"I think this team is so good we could make a run at not just the NCAA's, but the NBA Championship"

Lavin worked for ESPN as an analyst for the past few years after being fired from UCLA who was unhappy with his 145-78 record. Whiny fucking bitches.

"And by May I hope to have the solution to Nitrogen fuel cell cars figured out," Lavin said, "I have seen Minority Report. I got this."

His confidence seemed to seep into every other spectrum of life. He was so confident with his future that he actually cut off his left leg with a cleaver. When asked why he did this, he responded by saying:

"We can rebuild this with STEM CELLS!"

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