August 21, 2009

BRETT FARVE, Sorry Caps Lock is a Bitch

Ugh. I can't believe what I'm doing right now. It's Friday night and instead of going out and drinking Brett Farve brain cells out of my head, I am stuck giving you a live blog about the aforementioned Farve. Of course, a $-76.35 balance in my bank account contributes to this, but don't feel bad for me. Feel good for my dad 'cuz he is in the Metrodome right now witnessing.....Jamaal Charles. Just let me wallow in my poor life. Hopefully this somber mood will make for an aggressive game log.

Holy Crap. Todd Haley's hat is redder than Miley Cyrus' cherry. Oh wait. Her imaginary cherry. This one is gonna be good.

First Quarter

14:44-With Vick back in the league, Cassel decided he needed to show the world he is the most dominant running quarterback in the world. 10 yards and a first down after breaking the pressure.

12:06-Know how I said Jamaal Charles earlier? Well, maybe I shouldn't have 'cuz he just took a spill behind the line and rolled the ball into the secondary. This is your 2009 Kansas City Chiefs. On comes the Vamp.

10:32-Brett has two horrendous throws, one of which was somehow caught by Percy Harvin, a yard short of the first down. Big balls Brad Childress throws Adrian Peterson out there for a 4th down play and Jared Page spikes into Peterson's waist 2 yards back. The Chiefs 2009 defense=Badass. Chiefs 2009 offensive line=permeable.

8:01-Did hell just freeze over, 'cuz Dwayne Bowe actually caught a ball that he was supposed to. Unfortunately, Cassel was 2 yards past the line of scrimmage on the toss. Somehow after the review though, the play still stood. If only these refs where reviewing Derrick Rose's SAT score, Memphis might have existed in 2008.

5:08-Farve has still missed every throw. 1-3 with no accuracy on any of them. 3rd down and 9 and Corey Mays runs free into Farve's chest. Probably not a good thing for an old man. I would be surprised if he was on the field next drive. Oh and that last 'pass' ended up half way to Bernard Berrian, making the vampire 1-4. I think you would be more accurate flicking the ball off your erected penis, than having Farve passing.

2:00-This has to be close to the 9th time Cassel has had less than 2 seconds to throw the ball. It's impossible for any one to make a read in those conditions and those conditions cause 4th down. Succop goes on and makes a field goal. Wow that's a first. Making field goals. You would think we are talking about the Giants not the Chiefs. 3-0 KC.

:15-Tavaris Jackson appears and shows off his run and throw ability, but 5 yards past the line of scrimmage. Refs don't miss this one. If I were a Minnesota fan I would be screaming racism. Or maybe "How fucking dumb are you Tavaris?."

Herm Spotting- Coors light employs some former frat fellas to ask Herm questions while Herm is in 2002 telling them that "you play to win the game. HELLO." His face at the end of this commercial is priceless.

Second Quarter

12:10-Haley has this offense moving now. And by moving I mean Cassel, 'cuz the line is so terrible that they can't have the 40 million dollar man sitting in the pocket. Overall though, Cassel is making solid passes, unfortunately they all have to be on the run.

11:02-Dwayne Bowe continues to mesmerize everyone with his second and third catch, one of which was for a touchdown. Not to mention, he blocked down field for a 16 yard run. Maybe I don't hate him anymore. Or maybe Haley is that good of a wide receivers coach. 10-0 Chiefs.

9:52-Adrian Peterson is still good. Just in case you were wondering whether or not to draft him #1. He dragged Brandon Flowers for 8 yards. Then went on the other side of the field and dragged Derrick Johnson for 3. The man is unstoppable. Thank god it's not an Oklahoma game 'cuz it would be that damn fight song every two fucking plays. Someone just needs to shoot one of the trumpet players in the band every time the song starts. I imagine they would stop if they were getting Virginia Tech-ed. This is not what I should be talking about. As you can tell it's a pre-season game.

5:24-The Chiefs running defense has become softer than Vanessa Hudgen's breasts. I'll just link it for you so you don't catch any viruses. HERE. NSFW. The Vikings are penetrating into the red zone. Hitting the Chiefs below the belt, if you know what I mean...Oh who am I kidding your still looking at the picture.

2:18-Tavaris rolls out and tosses the ball like he tosses salad and Vincanthe Shiancoe receives the touchdown pass. Wait, that makes no sense. 10-7 Chiefs.

:47-Dustin Colquitt bombs a punt within the 10. Impressive enough for me to say he is the Chiefs most talented player at their position this year. Especially with the trade of Tony Gonzalez. And now, with this live blog reaching the point where I am complimenting the punter, it's clearly time for me to quit. Plus, the starters are done, and only the family of the players on the field care right now. The only thing we can take from the first half is that Brett Farve is worse than both of his backups. So, an 82 ranking on Madden 10 might be just a bit of an overstatement. Especially at age 39.

1 comment:

  1. Favre is better than booty. i mean Booty.