August 20, 2009

Patriots-Bengals Live Blog(?)

This will be an abbreviated live blog for two reasons:

1. The NFL Network is only offering a brief live look once the game starts. I'm assuming they'll stick around long enough for a few Brady series.

2. I'm in Las Vegas for the night. Despite my intense Patriots fanship, I'm not retarded enough to spend the evening watching Matt Gutierrez Kevin O'Connell from my hotel room.

Plaxico Burress has been the primary talking point on the NFL network pregame show. I might feel bad for him, if this wasn't a perfect example of Karma. God doesn't like it when you ruin perfection. Neither do I. Enjoy your two years behind bars for the most laughable crime in recent history.

NFL Network shows a commercial with Jim Zorn speaking on consistency and success. This is about as reliable as Billy Mays doing an infomercial about sobriety.

4:40 - Okay, we're going live. It's 10 minutes past the 4:30 PST kickoff, so I have to assume the Bengals are receiving. No Palmer means no interest. I'm not complaining, I'd rather watch commercials than the Bungles without Carson. That's not a typo.

4:47 - We're now 17 minutes past the bottom of the hour, still no live-game jump by the NFL Network. I'm hitting the blackjack tables if the game isn't on by 5 p.m. Time is money, and if I'm not losing it on the casino floor, I'm sure as hell not losing it with Rod Woodson, Fran Charles and Jamie Dukes.

4:48 - Oh, Christ. John Madden interview. John Madden just took credit for starting the Madden video game - before video games existed. The creators of Space Invaders are vomiting in their mouths right now.

4:53 - Madden defends Favre's decision to play. The sun rises and sets. Shocker.

4:55 - Interview over! Charles teases a Pats-Bengals live look-in. Commercials. Agonizingly dull commercials by Dominoes, Taco Bell and Tire Rack. Gisele's tire rack.

5:00 - Are you fucking kidding me? Charles explains that there will be no live look-in because the Pats game went to commercial while, simultaneously, The Network went to commercial. This is by far the worst live blog ever. I sincerely apologize. Herm apologizes.

5:01 - Not all is lost - NFL Network feature on the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders!

...Wait a tick...I'm in Vegas. Fuck this. I'm going to a titty bar.

Thanks for playing, viewers!

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