I recently got a letter from a reader asking:
What do you think about John Hollinger's PER ratings on ESPN?
-Imaji Nary (Buttphuck, Kansas)
Thanks for the question Imaji. I hear the weather down there is swampy and hot this time of year. Please use some protection, from the sun of course. To answer your question, No. I won't even comment on that. Anybody who sets up a ranking system where Andrew Bynum is listed as the eighth best player is either are from LA or doesn't know the term injury prone.
John used math to compile stats like a fucking junk yard, and then fancies it up with derivatives, sigmas and lamdas. It makes no sense. Especially when this person doesn't explain his scoring, or why the hell Greg Oden is ranked higher than Steve Nash, LaMarcus Aldridge and Carlos Boozer. So, to counter Hollinger's projections, I'll make up my own, stricly based on how badass, sexy, and awesome these players are.
#1-Lebron James- Yeah, go fuck your Chris Paul in the rectum Hollinger. Lebron is clearly the most talented, tooled, and badass player in the world, ever. This should go without saying, but for some reason I have to say it.
#2-Chris Paul- Fine, he's good. We get it, you can swim your way to the free throw line with ease and decimate the defensive continuity without lifting a finger. We know this, but we also know that your coach is a dumbass and there is no other players on that team, except MF'in Julian Wright.
#3-Dwayne Wade- He's fucking badass. When you watch him fly through the lane like a driver with a alcohol blood content of 3.00, your first reaction is, there is no fucking way he scores, then he scores and you just question the human anatomy and then your sanity.
#4- Derrick Rose- The man got on my good side when he gave handed KU the championship. I consider him our sixth man on the Jayhawks roster in '08. Wait, shit, he cheated on his ACT. But that just proves how quick he is. He cheated in a nationally regulated test without getting caught for a whole fucking year. He probably ran to his neighbor's desk wrote down the answers and went back as the observer shifted his eyes from the students to the clock.
#5 Kevin Durant- We've been looking for the missing link in the human time line for years now, and he's been hiding right under our noses in Oklahoma City. Literally, look at a picture of Ardi and compare it to KD your looking at the same creature. Freak arms and ridiculous shooting. Not sure how good Ardi would have been at the three, but judging from Durant, he'd be fucking outstanding. Not to mention, Ardi's permed hair on the Hyperizers would trump Mo Willimas' (or should I say Fog Raw).
#6-Dwight Howard- He is the best goalie the world has ever seen. I'm not sure why the put him in the rankings, or why the picture of him is black, but he's a badass. Oh, it's DWIGHT Howard. Eh, he's alright I guess.
#7-Johnny Flynn- His name is Johnny. Nuff said.
#8-Brandon Roy- There really isn't anything great about him other than he has a cool last name, Roy. It's like Royals minus the ALS. Plus, there is this:
#9- Carmelo Anthony- He's got the swag, the ability to draw a foul, and he looks good in powder blue. Trust me, it's hard to pull that powder blue off. Just ask Kenyon Martin, or Alex Gordon. Also, it's a plus because he can carry under an ounce of weed in his city, so you know he blow errry day.
#10- Danny Granger- He's got toughness, lovabliblty, and poise. Really I just have nothing to say about him except he can score. Has anyone ever actually seen him, or is he just a myth? I didn't even know Indian had a team.
#40,098-Kobe Bryant- He can't be more of a douchebag unless he started pulling down his teammates' pants and yanking on their scrotem. That's plural scrotum. I guess he could improve his douche by speaking Italian to the European pla..... Or playing socc....Or by winning a champi.......Or jumping over a Masera.....Wait, he's done all those things. Yep, scrotum yanking is the final step to UberDouche.