October 8, 2009

Perm-O-Meter: Criticizing the Criticizer

Like a father watching his son hit a home run, or score the first touchdown of his career in the NFL, I proudly witnessed Herm Edwards realize his full potential as an analyst yesterday. His performance and spot-on analysis was Emmy-worthy. Yeah, go fuck yourself, Tina Fey.

Herm's topic: The outburst of criticism from Chargers' General Manager A.J. Smith, an old, wrinkly man who had the old, wrinkly balls to call his players "soft." Here's the video:

As you watch, just observe Herm's facial expression as Chris McKendry starts to wrap up her introduction. He can barely contain his giddy anticipation for ripping the dick off this question. It's the same look a child abductor gets when he sees mommy abandon little Billy in Macy's so she can go look at purses.

Our man immediately asserts that Smith isn't the head coach and clearly doesn't comprehend the "in-house" mentality when it comes to discussing team issues. Subliminal FUCK YOU to Carl Peterson #1.

Then, as a rational human being, unlike Smith, he turns the viewers focus on the Charger's difficulty of schedule. He points out the bye week coming up (easy non loss). Then the Broncos, Chiefs (Sub-Fuck you to Carl Peterson #2), and Oakland. He winds up his argument with the typical "this team is too mother hugging talented to lose" topic.

Oh, oh. Wait, he's not done. The thing the GM is supposed to understand is, he's supposed to fix the problem, leaning in as if to protrude his kinetic energy to the viewers for added substance to his argument, not create MORE problems, as he explodes his hands away from his normally complacent body, emphasizing the fact that he just blew your mind, and most likely his load.

After his aggressive statement, he follows through with the idea that the GM should be trying to help fix the problem rather than just state the problem. Although Herm doesn't say it, Smith is now left with two options. Either watch this video and feel like he just got castrated with a pair of rusty garlic presses, or hire Herm Edwards as his coach. This is how Herm works, he's a fucking mindfreak. Four perm permformance by the great Edwards himself. He deserves five, but that is past the realm of possibility. That's like shooting 140% from three point range. So in concern for your well being and sanity, a permfect score will have to due.

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