October 6, 2009


Rain on a parade.  The bitter pill.  Debbie Downer.  If you read my previous post, you may have gotten the impression I am all of these.  Well guess what?  Your impression is dead-on (though still not as good as Dave Coulier's Bullwinkle*).  I'm a ruiner, a spoiler, a poop.  When a couple tells me they're going to have a baby, I remind them that their current economic situation will put the baby behind a significant 8-ball that it won't ever be able to overcome, regardless of how many books they buy or how long the mother holds headphones playing Beethoven up to her engorged belly.  If I were around to hear a 19-year-old Mackenzie Phillips brag about fucking a rock star, I would have pointed out that the rock star was her dad (and even if he wasn't, he's not necessarily all that great of a catch).

*I saw Dave Coulier in person once, and holy shit, what a hack.  The biggest laugh he got all night was when he was wrapping up his set with a bit that started "Before I go, I'd like to tell you a funny story...", to which I yelled out, "Finally!"  One of the other guys sitting at my table had to leave the theater he was laughing so hard.  You hear that in the distance?  It's me, tooting the fuck out of my own horn.

Similarly, when I see fans whoopin' and hollerin' after their team wins a meaningless week 4 game, I like to illuminate the flaws their team showed, or bring up a catastrophic injury that carries much greater significance than a win over the Shitty City Retarded Mascots.  And so, my weekly NFL post, [INSERT NEGATIVE CLICHE], begins.

Chicago Bears 48 Detroit Lions 24
Rain on the Bears' Parade: Detroit outgained Chicago 398-276, and while Jay Cutler was efficient, he only managed 125 yards passing.  Devin Hester put up a goose egg, and hurt his shoulder, while Greg Olsen only caught one pass for one yard (and one touchdown, but shouldn't a player taken 31st overall be better than 10 catches for 94 yards and 2 TDs  4 games into his 3rd season?).

Cincinnati Bengals 23 Cleveland Browns 20 (OT)
The Itch on Cincy's Dick After Hooking Up With A 39-Year-Old Divorcee Bartender They Met While At A Family Reunion In Minnesota*: For starters, that big ol' OT in parentheses up there.  Do you know how bad the Browns were the first 3 weeks of the season?  Try 29 points and 654 yards TOTAL.  Against the Bengals, the Browns more than doubled their season total with 395 yards, including 121 yards rushing from 508-career-yards-in-his-four-year-career Jerome Harrison and 148 yards receiving from Mohammed Massaquoi (if you're wondering why the Browns' leading receiver is the Jack of Diamonds in your Iraqi Most Wanted Playing Cards Deck, just know that you're a bigot and a racist).  Also, Brad St. Louis is the worst long-snapper in NFL history.     

*A true story, just not my true story.

Indianapolis Colts 34 Seattle Seahawks 17
Indy's Spoon When They Really Need A Knife: The Colts' pair of first round running backs--Joseph Addai and Donald Brown--managed only 79 yards between them.  While they did each score a touchdown, and it doesn't really matter what the running game does as long as Peyton Manning's playing like he is, you would think the Colts could have gotten more than 78 yards rushing (Manning had one run for -1 yards) in a game they were up 34-3 at one point.

New York Giants 27 Kansas City 16 
The Hair On The Giants' Babka: Eli Manning's heel injury, which at first looked similar to Vinny Testaverde's torn Achilles in 1998 (that ruined the Jets season and made Keyshawn Johnson cry during a press conference that could be considered the predecessor to this).  It looks like Manning's going to be alright, but two pass attempts by David Carr (regardless of the context) is two pass attempts by David Carr too many.

New England Patriots 27 Baltimore Ravens 21
The Patriots' Tom Brady Knocked Out For The Season During A Win Over The Chiefs: The roughing the passer penalties on the Ravens.  The Patriots--and Tom Brady, especially--looked like huge pussies, especially on the second one when Brady chided the ref to throw the flag.  If Mark Clayton doesn't drop an extremely catchable ball on 4th down, the Patriots would not only be pussies, but would be losers, too.

Washington Redskins 16 Tampa Bay 13
The Redskins' Getting Shot By A Black Kid After Their Older Brother Just Taught Them That Their Racist Beliefs Were Wrong: Tampa Bay, quarterbacked by Josh Johnson, led 10-0 at halftime.

Jacksonville Jaguars 37 Tennessee Titans 17
The Pubic Hair Stuck In Jacksonville's Throat:  Maurice Jones-Drew only had 14 yards on only 6 carries.  He's not hurt, so I don't know what the hell happened there.

Houston Texans 29 Oakland Raiders 6
The "Bonnie and Clyde (featuring Beyonce)" to the Texans' Blueprint 2:  Steve Slaton continues to blow ass (21 carries for 65 yards) while the defense allowed JaMarcus Russell to throw for over triple his bust line (128 yards). 

Miami Dolphins 38 Buffalo Bills 10
The Acceptable Amount of Rat Feces in the Dolphins' Snickers Bar: Chad Henne struggled with ball control (2 fumbles) while the Bills were somehow able to get a touchdown despite 3 interceptions by Trent Edwards and only 206 total yards and 46 yards rushing.

San Francisco 49ers 35 St. Louis Rams 0
The 49ers' 66 degree highs in July: Glen Coffee managed only 74 yards on 24 attempts (3.1 average) while filling in  for Frank Gore, while Arnaz Battle played enough to fumble twice.

New Orleans Saints 24 New York Jets 10
The Beads The Saints Drunkenly Threw To Get Their Cousin To Flash Her Tits:  Drew Brees (20-32, 190 yards, 0 TDs for the second straight week) may, in fact, be overrated.

Denver Broncos 17 Dallas Cowboys 10
The School Shooting That Wrecked The Broncos' 4/20 High: Brandon Marshall scored the game-deciding touchdown with one of the better individual efforts you'll see all year, allowing Kyle Orton to throw yet another game-winner he had nothing to do with.  The vaunted Broncos defense almost gave the game away by letting Tony Romo get to the one-yard line in the game's final seconds, which is pretty shitty when you consider how awful Tony Romo has been lately.

Pittsburgh Steelers 38 San Diego Chargers 28
The Cavity In The Steelers' Only Front Tooth:  With just over 1 minute left in the 3rd quarter, the Steelers were leading 28-0.  On the season, Pittsburgh has been outscored 48-13 in the 4th quarter, which is when they won most of their games last season.

Minnesota Vikings 30 Green Bay Packers 23
The Vikings' Saturday Night Off When All Of Their Friends Are Either Dead Or In Jail: Adrian Peterson only managed 55 yards on 25 carries, Aaron Rodgers torched the Minnesota defense for 384 yards passing, and Brett Favre is never, ever, EVER going away.




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