December 31, 2009

For those who have never heard of Fire Joe Morgan, then you should be ashamed. They created a blog just for the act of reading between the lines of poorly written baseball stories. Since they have shut down and moved on to bigger things, there has been a hole in the blogosphere for readers to revel in the idiocrocy that is mediocre sports writing. Doing my part to fix this, I have decided to take up where they left off, and give Dick Vitale what he has been needing for a long time -- someone to bring him down to earth.

Today's Article: Conference USA has Improved

Wilt in italics.

Dick in bold.

Conference USA has turned into a very interesting league this season. My friends, for several years it was Memphis leading the way and everybody else far behind them.

My friends, let me add that no one cared about the conference, unless it was Memphis going 33-1 and getting a one seed. Might I also add, that NO ONE FUCKING CARES. It's goddamn Conference USA.

Memphis entered this season with a 61-game win streak in Conference USA (regular-season and league tournament games).

I know. Rice didn't stand a chance, especially when they took baseball out of the basketball standings.

The Tigers posted 49 consecutive Conference USA regular-season victories. When John Calipari left for Kentucky, many believed Memphis would slide.

And just so the don't, Dick has made sure to write as many articles as he possibly could to restore that Memphis prestige.

League play is right around the corner and first-year coach Josh Pastner has done an outstanding job.

Yeah, because winning tough games like Oakland and IUPUI really makes you look like a genius.

The Tigers almost upset top-ranked Kansas. Pastner also secured what's scouts are calling the top-rated recruiting class for next season.

Yeah, because securing the top recruiting class in December really makes a difference. What was that team that had the top one last year in December? Oh yeah, Memphis

While Memphis has clearly dominated Conference USA (the lone league loss over the last four years came at UAB, 80-74 during the 2006 season), it will not be easy to win this season.

I thought we already talked about this?

Tigers have experience in Willie Kemp, Doneal Mack, Roburt Sallie, Pierre Henderson-Niles and Wesley Witherspoon.

Literally none of which I have heard of, nor care to take the time to hear of.

But Conference USA is an improved league. There are several contenders to challenge Memphis, though I still feel that ultimately the road to the title runs through Fed Ex Forum.

Where Memphis will lose to UTEP. 

Tulsa was picked as the preseason favorite and Doug Wojcik's club has several key performers, led by big man Jerome Jordan. The Golden Hurricane sent an early-season message with a blowout city win over Oklahoma State.

Which isn't all that impressive considering two things. OSU's coach is a drunk dad's kid, and it's an instate rivalry game. There are no such things as upsets in instate games. No matter what. USC losing to Loyola Marymount, completely logical.

Houston, coached by Tom Penders, is dangerous. Aubrey Coleman is one of the nation's premier scoring threats. The Cougars got a big win over Oklahoma in a tournament in Alaska.

Tom PENDERS?! He is great. He is like the Lil Wayne to the Bill Self's Lil Boozie. Oh wait, that's right, no one give a shit about him.

UAB showed it belongs in the discussion by easily beating Cincinnati recently. Mike Davis' club won nine of its first 10 games this season. Keep an eye on Elijah Millsap.

Unless that is Paul Millsap in disguise, then I'm not keeping an eye on him.

UTEP had a veteran nucleus bolstered by the recent addition of former Louisville player Derrick Caracter, who had 15 points and 15 rebounds against nationally-ranked Mississippi. 

Great, let's just rundown a conference that will have literally no impact on the Final Four. Don't stop, please don't.

Then you look at teams like Marshall and Southern Mississippi, and both schools got off to good starts this season. 

Good starts, like 500? Don't care Dick. God.

Conference USA will have a number of college basketball dogfights.

Mike Vick got's dibs on reffing.

Memphis has some serious competition, but the future is very bright for coach Pastner and his Tigers.

Bright like the glare off my pear looking ass head.

Keep an eye on this league as there will be excitement galore instead of the usual Memphis domination, baby!

Because real talent isn't fun to watch. Let's watch some poor talent put up 40 turnovers a game. BABY!

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