January 13, 2010

Haiti earthquake felt in Knoxville

Reports of the devastating earthquake that set Haiti back to fourth-world country status yesterday also decimated the University of Tennessee's recruiting class. In an unprecedented event, geologists are taking a page from the meteorologists' book by naming the earthquake. Henceforth, the Haiti quake will be known as Ed Orgeron.

Said one geologist/UT fan, "This disastrous event displayed a ruthless effort to not only destroy the lives of thousands of innocent Haitians, but also the hopes of Volunteer fans for a top-10 football recruiting class. We're also receiving reports that the aftershock was so forceful that it propelled several players all the way to Los Angeles from Knoxville.

Four ESPN Top 150 players who originally scheduled to play as freshman at UT next season have de-committed. Reports say that the recruits felt that playing in South Central Los Angeles was still a better option than for a program that looked like the aftermath of Pearl Harbor and 9/11 combined.

The American Red Cross is asking for monetary donations to help minimize the after-effects of Earthquake Ed. The Red Cross is also asking for volunteers, but specified that it did not want Tennessee Volunteers because anyone associated with Bruce Pearl is a douchebag by the transitive property. Instead, it is specifically targeting suicidal Tennessee fans to donate blood for Haiti citizens who were injured in the quake and still have something to live for.

"Everything's in shambles," one Haitian man said, sobbing. "It happened so fast, everything seemed to be crumbling. I didn't know what to do except crawl into the fetal position and pray. It will take decades for the UT football team to recover from Ed."

The blowback from Earthquake Ed has brought its fair share of emotional damage in addition to the physical and structural devastation. Incidents of public urination, mattress-burning and phallic vandalism of public property. If you listen closely in the mattress burning video, you can hear delusional chants of "it's good to be a Tennessee Vol," which is kind of like saying "it's good to be a paraplegic."

On behalf of Herm's Perm, we wish the country of Haiti a speedy recovery. UT, however, can impale itself on Petyon Manning's MVP trophy.

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