January 13, 2010

A lesson in the art of entertainment

You all suck. Like, what the hell is wrong with you? When did people stop enjoying being entertained?

Shut the fuck up about steroids. Do you know why the NFL is the most popular league in the country? Because guys like Shawne Merriman can use steroids, only get suspended for four games, come back and continue to rip guys’ heads off, and NO ONE GIVES A FLYING FUCK. You know why no one gives a flying fuck? Because what would the NFL be without guys getting as juiced up as they possibly can? I’ll tell you what it would be: it would be shitty. Fucking terrible. I don’t want to watch that shit in HD.

The same goes for baseball. Do you know what baseball would be without performance-enhancing drugs? It would be the 2009 Cubs. I fucking wish Geovany Soto would use ‘roids. Instead, he uses twinkies. And marijuana. Neither of which enhances any kind of baseball performance. At all. And you know what? It fucking sucks to watch. He looks like a sloth behind the plate.

OH MY GOD, MARK MCGWIRE USED STEROIDS! Let’s say he didn’t use steroids. And Sammy Sosa didn’t use steroids. And, as a result, let’s say neither hit more than 52 homers in 1998. That would have absolutely sucked.

What most of you are telling me, though, is that you would rather that awesome home run chase never happened. You would rather Craig Counsel and Ryan Theriot be the faces of the league. Fuck you. You’re idiots.

Is it a coincidence that the best baseball players of our generation also happened to be ‘roiding? FUCK and NO. Barry Bonds, McGwire, Roger Clemens, A-Rod, Manny. They were or are all fun to watch. I don’t care if they injected themselves with Roger Maris’ sperm or sprinkled themselves with Tony LaRussa’s magic pixie dust.

Draw a line in the record books. Make a new section of the Hall of Fame. I don’t give a shit. But SHUT THE FUCK UP.

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