Mark McGwire and his 400 inch biceps today shockingly admitted to using steroids, completing the rule breaking record breaker circle. This just adds him to the list with Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa and Jason Grimsley.
"I hid it (steroid abuse) from everybody," he said, but he wouldn't be done exposing his secrets just there.
"I also want to admit, also, that the earth is, in fact, round, and not flat as we all origionally assumed." Shocking quotes from the 90's slugger, but he still wasn't done.
"There is no god. Only evolution," he said as tears streamed down his face. He was just beginning to recognize the world for what it was.
"And those Kebler cookies, THEY'RE NOT ACTUALLY MADE BY ELVES LIVING IN A TREE!"
This is when he pulled out a full bottle of Advil and went to town.
"THESE THINGS AREN'T VITAMINS"
Poor old senile man. He went through a lot, and let's not forget, he's still going to have to hook up with Congress again and share with him his tale of perjury. Just remember Mark, acceptance is the first step in the healing process, but those testicles will never heal back from their infant state.
"America landed on the moon..."
Today, Mark McGwire's dignity died at noon eastern. RIP record books.