January 21, 2010

Kim Kardashian to be a guest host on PTI?

Like everyone else fed up with today's economy, ESPN is searching for an alternate means of bringing in revenue. The Worldwide Leader in Sports appears to have dropped the modern strategy of capitalism in favor of the antiquated bartering system. While your 70-year old economics professor might view this business decision with the blank, cockeyed gaze of a retarded horse, I think it's genius. Swapping a bald, NFL has-been (so much credibility!) for his smoking hot wife is a decision that should win Bodenheimer (Jew!) the President of the Year Award. Obama's Nobel ain't shit.

Assuming Georgie hasn't already compiled a list of temptresses to make cameos on his various programs, I've got him covered with some ideas of my own.

Kim Kardashian opposite Tony Kornheiser on "PTI"
Kim Kardash! Kornheiser! It's PTI with KKK! During the "mail time" segment, Kim would answer questions while bent over her chair and facing away from the camera. And just wait 'til the bickering gets heated!

TK: Tiger needs this sex rehab so his life can return to normalcy. Think of his kids! Think of his wife! Think of his sponsors!

KK: Or think of how difficult it is when you have hundreds of women like me, but obviously not as perfectly gorgeous, doing this to him all day long... (pulls down top, revealing see-through bra)

TK: (has heart attack)


Paris Hilton co-anchors the Los Angeles "SporsCenter" with Stan Verett

Here's where the single-anchor, upper-torso shot really works in ESPN's favor. Paris' job won't end when she's done reading her part of the highlights - she'll be doing some serious work "under the table" while Verett reads his lines. You know how when you're driving and getting road head, your senses become heightened to Spider-Man-like levels and you're suddenly going 45 miles per hour over the speed limit? Try to imagine that same effect on LeBron James highlights. Even the most pedestrian Anderson Varejao move will seem like a backflip dunk.

Scarlett Johansson, Jamie-Lynn Sigler, Eva Mendes and Jessica Biel on "Around the Horny"
As usual, points are given out with little or no explanation by Tony Riali, except this time an article of clothing is removed for every point given. Instead of having the four participants in separate cities, they are actually sitting next to each other and as the rounds progress Riali's sports-related questions become demands of sexual acts. Participants are eliminated if they refuse to comply with Riali's Howard Stern-like demands.

If Bodenheimer rejects any of these ideas, you can bet Kate Beckinsale's sexy ass that all of these programs will appear on HPSN: The Worldwide Leader in SportsSex