January 20, 2010

Live Blog – KU vs Gaylor

That pretty much explains it. Well done sunflower cable. You are the shithole of the earth, along with comcast. So, I guess Xavier Henry just sweetens the KU attack? Why the fuck do I want my attack sweetened? Wouldn't that make it pussy? Like the powderpuff girls? Sugar and spice and everything nice? Also, Ekpe Udoh, not that good. Also, 2-13 is a really bad record against a team. Like really bad. Wanna hear a good record? 52-0 at home. You want more? 90+ games straight without giving up a shooting percentage over 50%. Another? 14 games. That's how many away the Jayhawks are from 2000 school wins. One more stat, because I'm a douche. Big 12 at home in non-conference –108-1. There you go. I think we know who will win this one.

We are changing it up this time. Bubb will be in good old black and italicized. Wilt will take on the bold venture of bold text. LET'S GET IT ON. Oh Guy LeDouche, you make my day.

 8:06 - Oh, dammit. Not Hubbie Davis. How gay is this. Go back to the ACC you east coast loving faggot. And stop talking of the Bears. They are gayer than San Francisco. Ok, well let's get our 53rd in a row bitch. BITCH. BITCH. Fuck yes. Got such a boner for this game. HUGE. RAGING. AND READY TO CAMP FOR MIZZOU ON MONDAY.

Tip off to Baylor. Faggots.

8:09 - Marcus got an easy shot on the first possetion off a steal, and now Baylor is begining to cheat. THEY FUCKING KNEED RONALD. HOW DARE YOU.

6:10 - So I'm supposed to be doing this in italics? This just feels gay. I've honestly missed the first four minutes of this game because a girl who I haven't seen in 10 years is asking me if I think she's ugly over facebook chat and telling me that some bisexual kid in France refused to bone her at 2 a.m. Passing it back to you, Wilt.

8:15 - How Dare you send it back to me on that. Brady just nailed a trey. Cole dunked earlier and I sent this to Bubb. "COLE TRAIN COMIN TO TOWN WITH A SHIPMENT OF MEAT." We have been getting to the rim like an porn star specializing in ass. This Defense is so tight, like an Asian. FUCK YES. THIS IS A GOOD START. 

6:18 - Baylor is hangin' in there. Billy Self looks ready to blow an arterial valve. Hubie Davis points out that the Bears are playing with an 8 man rotation. Tiger Woods knows that works only so long until it blows up in your neighbor's yard. I'm going to guess that point of the game hits about 2 minutes into the 2nd half.

8:27 - Tyshawn Taylor still hasn't been on the floor. I think he punched another football player. Let me look this shit up. We are now shooting like Dick Chaney. I don't know how these Baylor players got on Baylor's squad. They have pretty strict requirements. COLE MADE A FREETHROW. YES.

6:29 - Looks like KU is struggling to finish around the hole worse than a blind dude in a porno. Most of this can probably be attributed to Cole being used as a jungle gym, but not getting any credit AND BAYLOR TAKES THE LEAD BY TWO. As a finish that sentence, X-man hits a trey to regain the lead. BACK AND FORTH WE GO. THIS GAME IS REMINISCENT OF JOHN KERRY'S 2004 CAMPAIGN!

8:35 - Don't you dare call Xavier "X-man." He is just Xavier. He is class, unlike a DC or whatever comic. Fuck them. Also, when you jump and land on another person, that's not a foul. FUCK YOU REFS. But they aren't too bad, like the refs at the K-State and Texas. Bubb went to go get food. What a douche. Nourishment is not necessary. Jayhawk basketball satisfies all.

6:39 - RONALD COLLINS drops a trey giving KU the 2-point lead, 22-20. Why do I always become the play-by-play liveblogger. I WANT TO BE DICK VITALE SOMETIMES TOO!

8:42 - Hubie like doing the slip. He fucking loves it. You know who doesn't love the slip? Bill Self. We just turned it over for an easy layup. Something needs to be fixed. Tyshawn Taylor still hasn't been on the floor. What the hell? WHAT THE HELL? He is a fucking lottery pick. JESUS. Not really that concerned. We are 90% better in the second half.

6:45 - Miller Lite's slogan is "Taste Greatness." If Tiger Woods' agent isn't working furiously to get his client as a spokesperson for Miller, FIRE HIM AND HIRE ARI GOLD NAO! IT'S A PERFECT MATCHUP. As we return from the break, it looks like the American Red Cross received a 100k Haiti donation from KU. I know for a fact that Lane Kiffin will single-handedly best that act of philanthropy by at least $4 million and a top 150 recruit.

8:50 - Tyshawn finally in. Cole scores. Correlation? I THINK SO! I didn't know we had NBA refs here? I just watched a spider dribble. Hubie is really enjoying the no call on the travel too. TYSHAWN TAHME. Not. Thomas Robinson is so not ready for big playing time. He just tried a turnaround in front of Baylor's best blocker.

6:54 - Markieff Morris ties the game at 30 with a last-second putback jam to close out the half. Nothing gayer than the college rule of the clock not stopping under one minute in the first half. I'm hungry. Wilt, STEP YOUR GAME UP. I WANT MOAR FUNNIE. I'll be damned if I have to spend my 15 minutes of dinnertime watching Steve Lavin's hair gel.
9:00 - Steve Lavin's hari gel is actually bison grease. He has personally killed the last 50 Bison left in the US to get his hair gel. Baylor likes to think they are gonna win. NO. You are not. Also, it's hard to be funny when you have been up for 15 hours straight. I can barely breath. 

9:03 - North Carolina lost. Duke is trying to lose. The ACC is tanking worse than Johnny Weir's chances with a girl. YEAH. HOW'S FUNNY FOR YOU ASSHOLE. 

9:11 - Hubie is still obsessed with that slip screen. Other things Hubie likes. Slip knots on his noose, Slipnot the band, Slip 'n' slides and broken hips done in slips. Xavier with a steal than runs to the other end and misses a layup. Make some contact ass hole. We all know you like man on man contact. THAT'S RIGHT. I CALLED YOU GAY. I am a master motivator. 

9:16 - Sherron making the open trey. He is so fucking good when he's open. Now we are rebounding. Look at that. And then a bull shit and one. I hate these green douchebags. Xavier with a miss. DAMMIT I MOTIVATED YOU.

9:19 - Ellen Page, teach me about Information Systems. OH YEAH. That is your car, and there is a total ticket on it. Well, since there is already a ticket, you can just come on up to my room and hang out and I'll show you my system. It's so wirelessly connected. Wait wha?

9:24 - Home teams are 121-6 in the Big 12. It's quite impressive, SO FUCKING WIN. IT'S STATISTICALLY PROBABLE. Ronald with a three. He is clutcher than a manual shift Pinto.

7:26 - Oh Gonzalo, you make the best mexican delights. As well as the Morris twins are playing right now (KU leads 50-46), I'll still probably take Mary-Kate and Ashley over them. Wilt and I witnessed them getting their star on the Hollywood Boulevard. I had a boner for a week. I just saw a bunch of KU students holding up letters that spelled "No More Seats" or something. What does that mean, Wilt?

9:32 - Not sure what the sign means. It might have something to do with the issue Baylor had with some player killing a guy, and overrecruiting. I don't remember. What I do know is that I would rather the Deschanel sisters over any sisters ever. they are just beautiful, and they have talent that extends past 5 years of age.

7:34 - Just as our friendly commentators point out that KU is riding a 52-game home win streak, Baylor hits a three to cut it to three. Do you have some kind of Elf fetish, Wilt? I googled your Deschanel and could not find a single boner-inducing picture. There's 8:53 left in this game and the Hawks are up 54-49. This is exactly that type of game where KU maintains a marginal lead for the rest of the game and it just doesn't get any more interesting. CAN I HAS COMEBACK (hint at new Herm's Perm segment)?

9:40 - ESPN still playin Wale at the break. So much fucking class. Anyone who doesn't listen to Wale is entirely classless, like people who find the Deschanel girls unattractive. Also, Ronald with an easy layup and we are breaking away like icebergs from antactica, BUT IT'S NOT GLOBAL WARMING. IN KANSAS NOTHING HAS CHANGED.  IT'S JUST A CLIMATE CYCLE. 

7:50 - It's 65-63 KU with just over 4 minutes to go and Baylor with a chance 
to tie. There's one player on the Baylor bench standing with his arms 
already raised in victory formation as one of the Bears dunks it home for
65-ALL WITH 3:13 LEFT.

 9:55 - 56% from the field. This is an entire fluke. We aren't playing horrible 
defense, but 56 %? Jesus. Luckily we have the best player in the nation,
RONALD. Bill is ready to murder a ref. It took a fucking hog butcher type
hack to get the refs to call that. I'm not happy.

DON'T TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME. Some guy from Baylor knocks down a short
jumper to cut the KU lead to two. Just as commentator one says "The Jayhawks
will try to use as much time as they can, RONALD drains a three with 15 seconds
left on the shot clock. Good job?

10:04 - Lacedarius Dunn is stunningly good. Also stunning, that first name. 
Lacedarius? Really. That's two damn names you greedy fuck. Also, Baylor 
is by far the most annoying team in the world, until we play Mizzou on Monday.
They are fucking annoying too. Ahh, the Rock Chalk chant. Victory sounds
so great in the state of Kansas.

8:05 - There's literally nothing left to say. This game is over. Donations to the Herm's
Perm Haiti fund can be mailed to Wilt's home address. It's somewhere in Lawrence.
We promise that the money might actually go to a location near Haiti. Disclaimer: "near" is a 
subjective term and therefore Kansas is arguably rather close to Haiti, especially compared to the moon.

10:10 - Well Baylor shot 56% for the game. We haven't done that in 91 games. It's 
completely ridiculous that we won this game. They haven't missed anything. If I had 
to bet, one of Texas' losses, this would be them. I knew Baylor was good, but damn.
Congrats Wacco's. Goonight.

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