Perm's Portrait: Do I have to choose one?

On paper this would be an easy pick for a USC fan: Sanchize taking a fat, peanut-y poop on traitorous Pete Carroll's advice. If not for the overtly arrogant Jets fans who believe that they could conquer world hunger if it was their Super Bowl opponent, I would have definitely pulled for Gang Green. Revis Island makes Pandora look like a Texas landfill. Wait...that makes no sense. Revis Island is just unaccommodating, okay?

The Jets are a sexy pick. Not only because it's Herm's (People's Sexiest Man of the Year '97) former team, but because Sanchize has washboard abs and women love the supple-yet-careless nature Braylon Edwards' hands. And if you think Rex Ryan's stomach is big, take a gander at his balls.

Wait...what?

Those are malignant tumors?

Well that seems to explain his violent urgency and recklessness. Try as Rex's debilitating bumps might, I remain steadfast in my belief that Pay-tin and Day-luhss will advance. Peyton won't complete the championship run in the end, because the MVP never does. Kurt Warner was the last one to do it in '99, and when Steve McNair failed to quash Warner's attempt for deity status, Jesus punished him. Ruthlessly. Drew Brees will not fail.

So when I say "Go Colts," I actually mean "these teams might as well play each other in a gas chamber."

Peyton also changed his number to 81.

Shut up.