Here at Alabama, we love our elephant mascot. He's irreverent and completely unrelated to anything our university represents, with the exception of the subtle racist overtones. We also love our lactose, which reminds me that if you are lactose intolerant, I sincerely hope that this letter bestows upon you
If we're recruiting you, there's a 100 percent chance that you don't know what lactose is. It's milk. It's what we do here. If you'd rather drink that white, creamy liquid than the mutant green shit they manufacture in Gainesville, then you're a bornagain Crimselephant Tider. Just look at our best two players from the past two years: Andre "udders" Smith and Terrence "are those real?" Cody.
Aren't they just beautiful! Want to know WHY we brought home the crystal milkholder last season? Because Cody's tig 'ol bitties provided all 90 of our players with milk for three and a half meals per day. Milk mustache, you say? TRY A FULL-ON KIMBO SLICE BEARD OF THAT SHIT. Just like Tebow's words from two years ago, we will immortalize good man Cody's bust in a platinum molding, right next to Mark Ingram's Hindenburg trophy or whatever it's called.
If you've made it this far into my letter, I commend your ability to focus for more than 90 seconds. I encourage you to reward yourself by packing a bowl and eating 6 buckets of crispy KFC.
Awaiting your reply,