January 26, 2010

A recruiting letter from Nick Saban

Hello. I'm Nick Saban, head coach of a team they call the Alabama Crimson Tide. Goddamn right, you're impressed. If you've received this letter, it means that I want you. If you're considering Alabama as an education-seeking student, I recommend that you burn this letter immediately and look outside of the SEC. I only want you as a football player, as a crimson tide seafarer, as a caregiver and as a nurturing parent. Most importantly, I want you lactating like Octomom after her birthing explosion.

Here at Alabama, we love our elephant mascot. He's irreverent and completely unrelated to anything our university represents, with the exception of the subtle racist overtones. We also love our lactose, which reminds me that if you are lactose intolerant, I sincerely hope that this letter bestows upon you a thousand a million whatever number is higher than a million papercuts.

If we're recruiting you, there's a 100 percent chance that you don't know what lactose is. It's milk. It's what we do here. If you'd rather drink that white, creamy liquid than the mutant green shit they manufacture in Gainesville, then you're a bornagain Crimselephant Tider. Just look at our best two players from the past two years: Andre "udders" Smith and Terrence "are those real?" Cody.

Aren't they just beautiful! Want to know WHY we brought home the crystal milkholder last season? Because Cody's tig 'ol bitties provided all 90 of our players with milk for three and a half meals per day. Milk mustache, you say? TRY A FULL-ON KIMBO SLICE BEARD OF THAT SHIT. Just like Tebow's words from two years ago, we will immortalize good man Cody's bust in a platinum molding, right next to Mark Ingram's Hindenburg trophy or whatever it's called.

If you've made it this far into my letter, I commend your ability to focus for more than 90 seconds. I encourage you to reward yourself by packing a bowl and eating 6 buckets of crispy KFC.

Awaiting your reply,

Milkman Saban

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