November 17, 2009

Fat coaches might lose some wieght with all the "heat"

Pacquiao showed off his welterweight dominance, taking stage this weekend in a bout that sounded like a doozy. I would have been happy to catch the match, but since 50 bucks for a pay-per view doesn't even appear on my college student balance sheet, I was left with beer and MLS soccer. What I missed during the soccer match was a Pacquiao punchfest. Today, the heavyweights took the stage. Or should I say the sumo weight. Let's head down to the booth to human megaphone, Gus Johnson.

Thanks Wilt. Welcome to Sumo Boxing on CBS. We have a pair of solid matches this week. First up, we have Charlie Weis in one corner, weighing in at a gaudy 900 pounds. He could have a handful from his opponent, the media, weighing in at a respectable 800 (5 reporters at the press conference). DING.... OH! And the media with this left jab-"Has a decision been made on the coaching situation for next year?" Weis staggers, and.... IS DOWN. I THINK HE'S DONE. 10....9....8.... AND THE REF CALLS IT OFF. Weis is delusional. His sentences aren't even making sense anymore. "Oh I don't know dpt pft uh, I, uf, I." The Notre Dame fans look on approvingly. No one thought he was this washed up, but boy were we wrong. A one hit KO from the media.

I know we tend to look at the bout as the only part of a defeat, but lets look at his other disappointing losses this year: Navy, USC, Pitt, and Michigan. I'm sorry, but there was no way this hunk of blubber would be back after this year's pathetic performances. Let's just be honest, this was over after USC.

And now for our second match, MANGINO VS the media. Wow, this media guy is a cocky mother fucker to take on two sumo weights in one night.

Coach Mark Mangino to the scale. It's an safari animal scale, mostly used for elephants, giraffes and wildebeest. The scale itself had to be brought in by an aircraft carrier. It's reading.....3 tons?! THAT'S A NEW RECORD! He waddles into the ring. DING...and it begins. Mangino comes out moving with a hell of a pace. He's not letting the media get a shot off. He's still dodging. Still dodging. STILL DODGING, and he just opens himself up for hits. OH! Shot to the torso. AND AN KNOCK OUT! He's gone the way of Weis. Mangino is blabbering. "uhhh I, uh, I..I..I I don't want to talk about the issues..." Mangino goes to the ground. 10...9...8....7....6....5.....4....3...2...1...AND IT'S OVER. MEDIA WITH AN UNPRECEDENTED 2 MATCH WIN. I haven't seen a knockout like that since the time my voice knocked a satellite out of orbit.

Mangino is done. Finished. Au revior. Losing five matches in a row will do that to you.  He joins Weis in the trashed coaches can today. A great set of matches tonight, and although, with the big night from the media, we still have a few questions. Will anyone hire a fat coach ever again? Will the media finish off another sumo weight? All those questions and more answered in the Post Punch Analysis on CBS, home of Two and a Half Men, Mondays at 8, 7 central. (signing out music slowly increases in sound) We'd like to thank our sponsors and goodnight. (music on full blast)  BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP BAAAM BAAAM BAAAAAAAAM dududuh.

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