November 19, 2009

Perm-O-Meter: the Belichick call

Three days after the Patriots' serial killing ax murderer
head coach whipped out his 300-pound testicles and failed to make Peyton Manning lick them on the much-debated 4th-and-2 call, ESPN finally publishes Herm's take. I thought that news and timeliness were related, but I guess not.

Herm responds to the questions posed by Sage Steele in this one. What a disappointing waste of a perfectly good pornstar name. And her perm will never be better than Herm's. Let's embark.

When asked what he would have done in Belichick's situation, Herm drops a bombshell, saying that he'd elect to punt. Yes, we all fondly remember how Coach Edwards play calling made Rush Limbaugh look like Al Franken. If his team is trailing by two after a touchdown with no time left, Herm will always elect to kick the PAT. It's the sure thing.

He then recalls the Patriot days of old, when Tedy Bruschi, Rodney Harrison and Mike "Grabel" would have chloroform'd Belichick before letting him go for it on fourth down. Well, that's relevant. I guess his point here is that the Pats' D was soft, incapable and timid. Hard to disagree with ya, coach.

Using his stiff, authoritative index finger, Herm tells Sage of his disappointment in the defensive players' passiveness, rather than Belichick's decision. How Sage doesn't melt into a puddle of completely intimidated human goo, I have no idea. That finger has superhuman powers. Just ask Larry Johnson's career. Or Mrs. Edwards.

Herm is taken aback when Sage reverses the tables, countering the coach's point with "doesn't Belichick's decision add confidence to Brady and the offense?"

Unfazed by Sage's gumption, Herm poses the question, "Would I rather punt it and give Peyton Manning 70 yards, or go for it and give him 30, if I don't convert."Meanwhile, this entire conversation has continued without a single mention of the hypothetical chance that the Patriots convert on the fourth down attempt. Why? Because this possibility does not exist in the mind of Herm Edwards. He could explain how it is possible to divide a number by zero, before deciphering the concept of going for it on fourth down.

Sage wraps up the segment by restating that Herm Edwards the analyst would have punted in Belichick's situation. Herm is quick to correct her, emphatically clarifying that Herm Edwards the coach would have made the same decision. Looks like someone's trying to get his name in the Browns/Raiders/Rams head coaching hat.

Four perms for using the vaunted finger. Minus-one perm for its relative ineffectiveness and subtract two more for glossing over the possibility of converting on the 4th-and-2 attempt.

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