December 10, 2009

Hunter Lawrence smashes not only attractive girls, but also sportswriters' theories.

Hey, folks. I'm going to write for this site now, so I'll apologize in advance. I'm just doing it to enhance my resume. And my chick appeal. Also, Rick Reilly is hosting Sportscenter on the television as I type this, so this is the equivalent of trying to write a paper as two trains collide and kill everyone on board about 11 feet from your workstation. I bet you couldn't do a better job.

I was born, raised and go to school in Omaha, Neb., and I can tell you right now that none of your jokes are funny. I don't know how to drive a fucking tractor, I don't live on a fucking farm and I've never been fucking cow tipping (though it sounds fun and I really do want to try it). Odds are decent that my city is bigger than whatever one you're reading this from.

I go to Creighton University. Yes, we have a basketball team. Last year we were 12th in the country in average attendance (over 16,000 per game), and I guarantee we play in a nicer arena than you. Only Creighton and some school named Kansas (which has some sort of mythical bird as a mascot? idk) have won 10 conference games in 13 straight years. Only schools named Duke, Florida, Gonzaga, Kansas, Syracuse and Creighton have won 20 games in 11 consecutive years.

What am I trying to say? I don't really know, but I will say that even though I was born and raised in Nebraska, the Cornhuskers can get AIDS and die for all I care, so if you avoid only one stereotype of me, make it that one.

Now that we got that straightened out, I will try to introduce everyone to some Omaha staples. The first one: crappy sports columnists. Our local columnist is Tom Shatel, though I like to call him Tom Shit-tel (amirite? lolz). Like a lot of sports columnists, he has a little Q&A-type thing he does on the paper's Web site. He'll answer a question or two a day on his blog because, like all sports columnists, he's an expert on everything.

Remember last weekend when Nebraska lost to Texas on that last second field goal (kicked by that guy, who's about to, I can only assume, deservedly pipe that girl) in the Big 12 Championship? Because the refs gave Texas that one extra second? Which was awesome? As you may imagine, the locals are acting like whiney cunts in these parts, but rewind about a month to a question in Tommy Boy's mailbag:

From: James, Omaha
Published Nov. 1

Just as college basketball has done, would it be possible/likely for college football to adopt a rule that allows for scoreboards to include tenths of a second? With so many plays coming down to the last seconds, this would make games even more exciting. It sure has for college hoops!

And Tom's answer:

I’ve always thought the tenth-of-a-second clock was a little strange. I mean, you can’t do much in .10 seconds. Even in basketball, you can’t catch an inbounds pass and take a shot in that span (though I’ve seen it done a couple times, amazingly enough!). So I wouldn’t push for that in football. I mean, what would it serve? What could you do in football in .10 seconds?

At the risk of recycling words like Rick Reilly, here's what I wrote on my blog at the time:

"Several things. Let's start with basketball.

No, you can't catch an inbounds pass and shoot in .1 seconds. That is an official rule. If there are only .1 seconds left on the clock, the rule states in order for a basket to count, it has to be a tip-in (an ally-oop or something.) But you can catch and shoot with .2 seconds. Or .3. Or .4, .5, .6, .7, .8, or .9. But Tom's right. Fuck accuracy and fairness in sports! Major League Baseball doesn't even implement accuracy and fairness in its playoffs, and it gets to call itself America's fucking pastime.

Even if the basketball part of his argument is half right (which it isn't), what about that football part? "What could you do in football in .10 seconds?" I'll put this as nice as possible, as Tom's clearly going senile: YOU CAN FUCKING RUN AN ENTIRE FUCKING PLAY. Remember when a play gets to go on even if the clock expires after the snap, Tom? But he's right. No team has ever won a game on the final snap of a game. So fuck that last second. We don't need it."

(a) I seriously look like Moses or something with what is basically a prophet-like point. (b) I wonder if he feels the same way now?

This is what we get in Omaha, so you'll have to forgive me when I think my writing is good. Feel free to enjoy or not enjoy my stuff, but as a consolation prize, here's a link to Omaha Steaks.

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