December 11, 2009

Random skanks were fine, but now Tiger's crossed a line.

Call me the rhymenocerous, bitches. Tiger Woods' (and anyone else's) personal life is none of my business. And it's none of your business. And, really, as fascinating as it might be to see someone who was on top of the world fall so incredibly far and look so incredibly human (and by human, I mean whorish), I don't really care all that much. And fuck ETSMPZN (that's ESPN with TMZ mixed in there, you see?).

Of course Tiger was getting some side poon. When you break it down, does that really shock anyone all that much? Now, the scope of this scandal is one thing, but what athlete isn't cleaning his pipes behind his wife's back? The number is probably something like 75 percent. This is why Derek Jeter just didn't get married. He can smash any random slag he wants and no one cares!

But when Tiger's adulterous activities affect me, that's when I have a right to be pissed. I don't want to turn on the television on Sunday afternoon and think I've stumbled across a fucking Cinabon-eating contest before realizing it's just Phil Mickelson and Tim fucking Clark battling for The Players Championship. No. I want to see Tiger beating some bitches up. (Not literally, of course. He treats women with respect, damnit.)

Tiger announced that he's taking an indefinite leave of absence from competetive golf (and I say competetive because, well, odds are he'll still be getting a couple foursomes together and swinging that wood). So I say just get divorced and get back on the course, asshole, because I need some Sunday afternoon entertainment/nap background noise.

When Kobe cheated and got caught, he still played basketball. Fuck, A-Rod cheated on his wife AND he cheated his sport and still played. So, suck it up and entertain me, damnit! I don't need your excuses. "Ohhhh, I railed a couple pornstars and some other skanks." Boo fucking hoo.

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