September 30, 2009

Yepum, We Dun' Get'em


Sure, this is a battle that can only be compared to that of the autobots and decepticons (Can't stop the Transformers references). Why? Because they're both fucking gay. The two teams that will be duking it out in a lightly attended Arrowhead stadium on Saturday are the two lesser schools in their state. Enjoy the unforced fumbles and the arant passes during the game. It will be a shitfest. But when FARMAGEDDON comes around, the main attraction isn't the football, but the pregame activities.

11:00- Corn husking championships- This is where you peel the leafy crap from the outer corn, for all you non-farmers. This is also a heated battle between the two Ag. schools. Although Nebraska dominates this competition, it is still fun and enjoyable to witness. Unless of course you have some semblance of culture or sophistication, in which case, this will be like watching two neanderthals invent fire. I'm gonna take Iowa State in this one, mainly for their large silos of corn, proving they know their corn. K-State is more of a wheat school.

12:00- Stock Yard Cleansing- This is another battle where ISU holds the upper hand. There are strict regulations in Ames forbidding uncleaned farms. In Manhattan, it is customary to leave cow manure on the streets to keep away flies and good looking women. I think they forgot how flies raise their young. Dead on with the women though. If you want to be a biology major, you might want to avoid KSU. Iowa State FTW.

1:00- Tobacco Chewing/Spitting Competition- The best candidate from each school run's through an obstacle course similar to that of the NBA All Star Game's Skills Challenge. First, they jet from the starting line and run 9 horse lengths (they don't use real measurements) to a dip station where they fill their lips with twelve ounces of chewing tobacco. Next is a run through a pasture to the first spitting station, where the contestants attempt to spit over the designated line, 6 pig lengths ahead. Then they are off to the accuracy station where they spit in an aluminum coffee can, 6 chicken lengths away. Five extra seconds are taken off your time if the can makes a "PING" sound. Then to the final challenge, where they have to spit out their chew onto a weigh station that measures the weight of the chew, making sure there weren't any lost strands. For each gram of lost tobacco, 10 seconds is added to the time. The winner is the one who runs the course the fastest. K-State has a knack for these things and will most likely take this one.

1:45-Pregame Animal Molestation- It is customary at both schools to have a animal sexed at mid field for pregame. They add a twist this year at the FARMAGEDDON where the 3 best animal rapists from each school take the field before the game and have a fuck-off. It's similar to that of  a flip cup battle, except the athletes have to cum right before the next guy can go. Each contestant has a specialty, either pig, cow, or goat. They can choose who goes first and last in the rely, and just like a baton, they have to pass the condom to the next guy before the next one can go. Saftey first as always. Quickest team wins, and also gets the ball in the first half. I like K-State in this one. Their technique is flawless and a little unorthodox, but they sure can handle their livestock.

So in the end, the FARMIGEDDON will probably be decided by who wins the football game, and it's a toss up from there. So enjoy the festivities and don't forget, the moonshine should always be brewed at an alcohol content exceeding at least 199 proof. FARMIGEDDON 2009.

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