October 19, 2009

The King and his Cancer

Evidently last January, Lebron was diagnosed with a "growth" in his mouth that doctors thought could be cancerous. Although it was found to be benign,  I prefer to think that Lebron had cancer. Key word "had."

As we know, NBA players have a magical ability to dodge the world's worst diseases. So, as a speciulatory individual, I like to make random and completely false assumptions. Today's assumption, Lebron beat cancer. Here's my case.

1. He had the best year of his career. This is because he was worried his cancer could finish him off in a matter of days, so he had to live life the best he could, in the form of a 28-7-7 season.

2. He was worried he might look like Ilgauskus if he went through a chemo regiment while in season. So, he decided to forgo the procedure for a new medical experiment called "Fucking NBA defenses in the ass like Ron Jeremy" as Stephen A. Smith put it (he didn't actually put it), while reaching in his bag of cheese doodles, living in a box somewhere in Philadelphia.

3. By the time the post season came around, there was little energy left in the King's tank. He had fought cancer all season, while pushing the Cavs to the best record in the NBA. Amazing. Even more amazing is the fact that he had magically turned his cancer lump into a benign lump by the end of the season. In a fit of joy, he flew to Detroit where he took a gaggle of homeless GM pink slippers and drowned them in Lake Michigan. This wasn't enough for the King though. No, He then strode into the first round series and shoved his dick into the pistons, causing engine failure, and resulting in a tow truck dragging them out of the playoffs.

He wasn't done with his anti-cancer celebration. Atlanta thought they would have a chance, but then realized Lebron wasn't going to lose with his new take on life, and sense of accomplishment. Joe Johnson wept for days after the date raping Lebron put on him (not from the games, like he actually raped him as seen by this picture).

Then the magic, who just so happen to have the mascot that allowed Lebron to live. So, as payback, the gods told their son he must lose, for they had granted him more life and his time would come later in the form of nine championships. Then he may have his puppet commercials with Kobe where he shows off his nine rings, honorary doctorate at Harvard, oval office seat, and his title to the ownership of the state of Ohio.

Lebron obliged, and told Mike Brown  "hey Mike, just go out there and coach. I know I usually do, but just this series, could you do the coaching?" And in five games Cleveland had lost.

Moral of this story is, if you have access to an NBA players blood, bottle some and freeze it for when you get prostate cancer or erectile dysfunction and BAM, you'll be back on your feet (or back with some skeet) in no time.

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