October 23, 2009

Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse: Week 8

This is a weekly blog that compares the likes of college sports and addictive drugs, and then rolls it into a tight little blunt I like to call the Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, then clearly you have participated in some Friday morning substance abuse. So get ready to sit Indian Native American style and stare at a bookshelf for 3 hours cause it's time to drop some acid.
Last week was pretty tragic for me. A loss at Colorado sent me into a spiraling depression that all the world's Prozac wouldn't have brought me out of. As of today though, I have recovered my normal, human functions: eating, sleeping, not hearing voices. Alas, there is a chance for a fully sustained recovery. It will come at the expense of Oklahoma, though. The same Oklahoma that has fucked my picks up so often. Tomorrow is a day for redemption, for the Colorado loss, and for OU's failure to follow my lead.

ABC has the coverage, and considering the fact that Todd Reesing went for 401 yards passing in the last 32 minutes of the game in Boulder, I expect a huge game from Todd Flakes (and huge ratings). Unfortunately, that isn't enough for the Jayhawks to get their redemption win. Something has to change on that defense. Whether it's splicing the genes of an elephant with Jake Laptad, or injecting Hippopotamus semen into the thyroid of Darrell Stucky, something must be done. I have contested that the problem lays in the scheme. The talent is there to stop teams like Iowa State and Southern Miss, but as shown by their performance, it's not enough.

Ever since the leaving of defensive coordinator Bill Young after the Orange Bowl season, the defense couldn't be worse, unless it was infected with a deadly strain of oral herpes. The talent has been there. Last year with three senior linebackers, two senior linemen, and a second team all-big 12 saftey. This year, that same safety, returning cornerbacks, and a veteran defensive line, and this defense is even worse. So, as an avid fan, I command there be a change to 3-4. It's not that hard of a change, just ask Green Bay. Not hard at all. SO JUST FUCKING DO IT!

Ok, now that that is out of my system (won't show up on a drug test any more in this blog) let's get to things people probably have an opinion about. Opinionated idea number one: Iowa is the second best team in the country. I know you are sitting there asking your self, Is this guy huffing WD-40 while he's righting this?. Uhhh (wipes blood from nose) no. I'm not. I'm entirely serious by this comment. Look at all the undefeated teams left still standing.

Boise State and TCU: Doesn't matter. NON BCS BIAS. Cinncinati: They play in the Big East. Someone has to win it I guess, but still no real wins. Texas: one decent win against OU and close games against Colorado and Wyoming (in the first half but still close). Florida: clearly still concused Jesus 2.0, as well as two close (referee guided) wins in a row. Alabama: wins against Virgina Tech, Mississippi, South Carolina, and killed Arkansas and a couple D2 schools. Finally Iowa, who has taken care of Penn State, Michigan, Arizona (ranked in the BCS), as well as a win in Wisconsin which isn't easy, and the raping of Iowa State that took KU down to the last play. If you erase the names, which schools do you pick to be one and two? Alabama and then Iowa. It's pretty damn clear. Clearer than a syringe full of morphine. So clear it might be too hard to see, which explains why most people haven't recognized it, I assume.

Second opinionated idea: Now that being said, Alabama being the best team, I will now completely discredit them this week. Why? Because Lane Kiffin and his hot wife. That's why. I'm not gonna go out on a limb and say Tennessee will beat the crimson washing detergent brands, but I will say it'll be a struggle. We are talking a struggle like one between two crack whores fighting for the last tidbit of rock left over from the homeless guy they just killed to get it. If you've ever had the privilege to witness such an occurrence, then you would know, it's like watching two bad offenses go against two good defenses. Very little movement, with a lot of holding, and then eventually someone pulling a knife on the other and finally finishing. What I'm trying to say is, it's gonna be a shitty game. I'm not entirely sure who will pull it(the knife) out in the end, all I'm saying is that it will be a brutal game to watch for both fan bases.

Opinionated idea three: Get drunk. It's almost November and it is chilly. Don't want any of you to catch hypothermia, or get dehydrated. Also, a side effect of drinking is sometimes getting laid (also, puking, not getting laid, getting puked on, tumbling down a hill, breaking bones, loss of memory, unbearable hunger, poor syntax, loss of catching abilities, intreest in buying a snuggie, death of brain cells, and hangover)

So buy a case of Fan Cans and salute your school while ruining the experience for the ones not drinking Fan Cans. Go College!

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