August 27, 2009

SOCCER. I'm Not Even Joking

Well in a way I am joking, but it's more of a toying with an idea. Just imagine if we had a national sport, like the rest of the world, where every single athlete that shows prowess gets entered into. What if the most athletic players in the world (obviously American athletes) were to play on one team? That would be more fun than a night of drinking with Donte Stallworth, Diana Taurasi and Zack Randolf. Well, this is what I came up with as a universal soccer team for the US.

Lebron would swat balls from that goal like Billy Ray Cyrus does to Miley's vagina. Hell, he would have more clean sheets than than a 14 year old honor student that's also a level 79 wizard on world of warcraft. No one is getting nylon with Lebron. Of course, you'd have to get to Lebron first which could be a task in itself. Think of Polamalu and Urlacher sweeping up back there. Troy would instantly frighten forwards with his combo of perm and upper body strength. Urlacher would instantly get red cards attributed due to his brute strength. No soccer player is running through him or that wall of defense.

Then we have the left and right backs, Chris Paul and Derrick Rose. This was tough for me cause I was considering them midfielders but at the left and right back, they could range the sidelines. Both are athletic as hell, and tall for soccer players, at around 6'2". They would be elusive and would make the US the best possessive team in the world with their point guard mentality.

The Midfielders are frightening. If you thought Kaka was athletic, then these guys would be the Wilt Chamberlains to the worlds 1950 rosters. Chad OchoCinco would find his name suddenly acceptable in soccer and, considering his kicking skills, would make for a great midfielder to start the counter attack. Then Steve Smith and his blazing speed at the left wing is perfect 'cuz soccer does require a located right shoulder. Dwayne Wade might be the best player on this team thanks to his ridiculous body control and relentless attack. His IQ is what made me put him at the wing, though, instead of forward so he could work both ends of the field. Then it's LT-the man that has mastered the mystery injury, yet in soccer, your turf toe wont be such a distraction. No hard cuts in soccer, and with a relatively healthy body, he would dominate and have no problem crossing over defenders on the pitch.

 Finally, the forwards that start with B.J. Upton. Yeah, seems weird as hell, but he's the only baseball player I could see playing soccer. He's got the size, and athleticism. Plus, he's a lanky ass motherfucker so he would fit the Thierry Henry model. Mainly it's just cause I felt bad for baseball and had to throw someone in the mix cause it sure as hell wasn't going to be C.C. Sabathia. How 'bout Curt Schilling does the blogging for the team. Decent compromise? I think so.

Then at the top of the key pitch would be MVP  forward Kobe Bryant. This has nothing to do with the fact that he lived in Italy as a kid, and promotes his soccer skills like it's his new MVP campaign. It's just because he fits a mold that no other player in the world fits. He'd be the tallest guy on the field (minus Lebron) and has the body type and quickness that forwards want, and the best part, he can take as many shots as he wants. He doesn't have to pass, no, he can just shoot, 'cuz that's what forwards do. Kobe can yell at his teammates all he wants as well, 'cuz in those hostile environments worldwide, their not fucking hearing him. Well, at least they can act like they can't. It's almost if this should have been his destiny. Unfortunately he ended up in the NBA where anyone not in LA or on the ESPN roster despises him.

Still, I want this team on FIFA right now. There's nothing stopping me except for EA restrictions to created players.  Dammit the game is supposed to be fun, not serious. Oh well, maybe one day I wont have to create this team 'cuz it will be enacted on the real USA soccer team. Uhhh? Naww.

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