August 26, 2009

Watching Young Talented Children Play with Balls.

New York vs Texas. A heated rivalry that dates back decades to the days when people actually gave a shit about character. Only one sport has brought out the ferociousness of this rivalry. Little League Baseball. These kids hate each other more than Braylon Edwards hates catching passes. Think of the toughest rivalries in the world: Russia vs US, Chelsea vs Man U, Duke vs NC. This one tops them all. These kids were specifically engineered for this day, where the two states face off. We can all expect some fireworks on the field tonight, and probably multiple base running errors. So go kids, flaunt your talents, 'cuz maybe someday, with the help of HGH, you can become Gary Sheffield. A prude asshole that holds his bat like he's Michael J. Fox. Ok. Time to be hypercritical of 11 year olds.

Hey, Michael Phelps can still find free time between his busy schedule of swimming and underwater weed vaporizing to enjoy the little things in life.
"I was flipping through the channels and came across the little league world series on tv. it brought back a bunch of memories to when I played baseball before I gave it up to concentrate on swimming (think that ended up being a good choice), but I am still a fan."
First of all, did he learn English from Helen Keller? Just 'cuz you won 8 golds doesn't excuse you from proper punctuation and capitalization. Second of all, the closest he would have ever gotten to a major league baseball team is the San Fran Bay. Anyways, the game is calling me.

First Inning-

Top-Wow the entirety of the NY team has a major dick crush on Jason Marquis. Since when has a mediocre starter been this popular? Nick Adenhart? Darryl Kile? Well apparently Marquis didn't teach these guys hitting 'cuz they've banked 2 hits in 2 at bats....make that 3. Unfortunately, a double play takes two of those runners down and leaves a couple on second and third. Then a Greinke esque curveball K's some kid to finish the top. That's how you win games. Load the bases and then strikout and ground out. Someone has been watching the Royals a bit too much.

Bottom-I remember the day when these kids would announce Big Papi as their fav. Now it's Josh Hamilton and Chase Utley. Baseball is going backwards. As NY can't hit the strike zone, I think to myself, how hard is it to hit the mit at this age? These kids are almost 6 foot tall and pitching 3/4 closer than they should be. Yet, their accuracy is worse than Dick Cheney's. A walk and then a double assisted with an outfield bobble leads to second and third and no one out. Single and one run comes in, and a wild pitch heads to the backstop and another comes in. 2 K's and the Texans look to strand a runner so NY won't feel so bad. And they do. Solid strategy by the coaches.

Second Inning-
Top- Impressive play by the second basemen who dives with his 14" glove and hands it to the first baseman. This is what pisses me off in little league. The fields are way too small. I'm not saying it should be 90' bases, but at least make the field look like the players should be playing on it. Instead it looks like you have a field full of Yao Mings out there. Oh, and there was a 1 2 3 inning. Bleh

Bottom-Oh god no. They have a kid reporter talking to the damn kids. Where is Erin Andrews? That's the only reason the fathers come to Williamsport. Good god. New York's third baseman has to be Troy Glaus' son. He's bigger than an airforce base. Anyways there is 2 outs now and a runner on first. No one gives a shit about the outcome, but TX is up 2 nil. Double down the left field line brings in a run and brings the camera towards the fans. Who else gets pissed off when they show the parents? I mean, we fucking know your excited. It's a stipulation when your a parent. This is a long ass inning now. A two out rally produces two runs and two runners. It also produces the coach from the dugout to take out the kid who wont be sleeping for the next month. Newbie comes in and shuts 'em down.

Third Inning-

Top-This inning is so boring. Walk and then a single up the middle. This is just frustrating. I want some damn home runs. Shit, the bases are loaded now. Grand slam ties it up, but TX pegs a batter drawing in a run. There are no outs too. Double play and the inning finishes.

Bottom-Ugh, two and half innings is enough of this shit. I'm just splattering profanity on the page now. Maybe I'll do the international one so I can make fun of how awkward the other countries' kids are. Also, for anyone still reading, There will be a season preview for the college football season upcoming. Hopefully it will be entertaining. Don't get too damn excited though. It's just a preview. Just wait for a season recap. It'll blow your condom off.


  1. international's way better...curacao is what's up

  2. and you're lucky you didn't watch germany play--their sloppiness made baby jesus cry