September 23, 2009

Return of the Perm-O-Meter: Herm the Quarterback Extraordinaire

ESPN's resident Michael Vick expert is at it again, this time expanding his analysis to the other struggling quarterbacks of the league. He's also graced by the presence of Hannah Storm, who delivers the questions in tornado-like fashion, even momentarily confusing the usually unflappable Herm at one point. Let's take a look (questions and responses aren't verbatim. Sorry, it's more fun this way):

Hannah Storm: Philadelphia has four potential quarterbacks to start on Sunday (Vick, Garcia, Kolb, McNabb). Who gets the call?
Kolb. I did their preseason games and Kolb played halfway decent. He had a good first half last week, but he threw 52 times, which is something Andy Reid doesn't want.

What?? Hermy, NOOOOO!! Vick, dammit. We want Vick! Is this because you're still mad that Tony Dungy beat you out for the role as Vick's black mentor/reputation consultant/former NFL head coach adviser? The media has to peer-pressure Reid into starting Vick. He's failed in his decision-making long enough to actually listen now.

HS: If Kolb struggles, who do you bring in?
HE: Well he's going up against my former team, The Chiefs, so he's going to have a little longer of a leash (SUBTLE JAB AT FORMER TEAM'S INADEQUACY). Obviously, they'll have to make moves if he stinks up the joint.
HS: So who do they bring in, in a word?
HE: (Pauses, stutters in response to Storm's pushiness for him to drop the "V-word") Uh, you bring in Garcia. Yeah, Garcia.

You can't let Hannah Storm pile-drive you like that, Herm. But you get extra bonus points for the jab at your former employer. You were always too good for them, anyway.

HS: Matt Cassel played in his first game on Sunday. He played like shit, but the Chiefs are still paying him more than Tom Brady. Controversy with Brodie Croyle?
HE: You stay with Cassel. He had his moments in the last game, he made plays with his legs and his timing is off because of the knee injury. The Chiefs are just struggling in the red zone.

This answer is as boring and predictable as the Chiefs themselves. But, dammit, he's right. The Chiefs almost won that game, and as soon as their fans realize that Cassel doesn't have the Brady-like ability to engineer two-minute drills in the fourth quarter, they'll stop being disappointed by unreasonable expectations.

HS: Brady Quinn's playing piss-poor as usual, putting the Browns in their inevitable tradition of fussing about which of their two backups (Quinn and Anderson) should start. What should they do, oh wise and handsome Coach Edwards?
HE: Storm, I will tear dat ass up faster than you can say Cribbs, who, coincidentally, has emerged as the Browns' only playmaker. They need to go to him more often on offense to get that energy up.

YES! Herm recognizing that you can't go wrong with dreads, even if they aren't out in full force - YET. Now that Stallworth's locks have been suspended indefinitely, Cleveland must look to its next best dreaded-out athlete. If the Browns muster three wins this year, two and a half will be attributed to Cribbs' dreads, and the other half to his hands.

HS: Meanwhile, Jake Delhomme better last Sunday, but still awful by everyone's standards but John Fox's. Like Cassel, he's being paid inordinate sums to ruin his franchise. The Panthers even picked up A.J. Feely last week, just to fuck with him. Is Delhomme's job secure?
HE: Yes. Last week you saw the real Delhomme. That team is built on defense, running and play-action. Steve Smith got involved last week, which tends to help.

Herm is only partially correct about last week being "the real Delhomme." Because nobody can predict how this guy will ever play, every week you get the real Delhomme.

HS: Panthers get the big stage, as they play Dallas on Monday Night Football.

Love the enthusiasm, in an effort to get his name into the "Wade Phillips' replacement" hat. Unfortunately, Herm must have forgotten that Jerry Jones is an old, wealthy white man and former oil mogul. That also happens to be the Merriam-Webster definition for "white-supremacist."

3.5 Perms. He's gettin' good at this!

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