September 25, 2009

Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse: Week 4

This is a weekly blog that compares the likes of college football and addictive drugs, and then rolls it into a tight little blunt I like to call the Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, then clearly you have participated in some Friday morning substance abuse. So get ready to sit Indian Native American style and stare at a bookshelf for 3 hours cause it's time to drop some acid.

Have you ever freebased crack before? Well, for those of you that haven't, it's exhilerating. It blows your mind and can enhance the normal effects of crack by 289% (Stat from the Institution of Madeup Stats). It's like enjoying a roller coaster (crack) and then doing crack before going on the roller coaster (freebasing crack). That's how potent it is. When you mix ether with the coke and baking soda, you have a concoction that can tickle your synapses for hours on end. The drug will blow your mind, and it can be a blast as well. Richard Pryor approves.

But, you may be asking, what does freebasing crack have to do with college football? Well, nothing really, but it does compare to how the media has portrayed the Ole Miss (Racist) Rebels. It's the fourth week of the season, and a few upsets have already occurred, but this wasn't one. Mississippi was entirely overrated at the beginning of the season. If they had lost to Florida last year, there is no chance they would have had half the season they did. What people forget about the SEC last year was how weak it actually was. Other than Florida, everyone had a down year. LSU: horrible, Auburn: non-responsive, Georgia: nut-less, Tennessee: they had a team?. The conference was way down, and Ole Miss stepped up and filled the void. I will commend them on that. This year is a different story. Tennessee is rejuvenated, Georgia is sneaky, LSU is a powerhouse again, Florida has Jesus, and South Carolina now has an SEC win.

What I'm trying to say is, freebasing is such a high and such enjoyment that you forget how deceiving it is when you come down from that high. This is where the media enters the picture. The pollsters lit up some Mississippi crack after the Florida win last year, and rode it out into this year, where they were thoroughly overrated. Now the same pollsters act shocked at what happened after the fact 'cuz they thought that the Mississippi crack couldn't fuck up so bad. Now, thanks to these overstated ranking, we get to hear rants from Mark May about how Steve Spurrier is back and how deep the SEC is, although in reality, Ole Miss should have always remained in the waste pile of the SEC. Hell, their QB is a waste product from Texas. And so, on Thursday, the Racists Rebels lit themselves on fire during a crack high induced rage, and will end up in the hospital with third degree burns and no bowl this season, where they should have been all along.

Now that we are done with that, lets talk about another team I hate with passion similar to that of a huddled mass of 12 year old Edward Cullen loving virgins. Yes, this day has come for me, and I'm ready. It's like when you go to rehab, and fix your heroin habits, but a year later you end up next to a needle and a bent spoon. How can you resist? That's how I am with hating on Penn State. I hate them more than Sean Salisbury hates grammar, and last year when they wheeled old Joe into Iowa City, they were annihilated by a devastating point. All over strongly used verbs aside, as a person who was born in Iowa, and with a strong hatred of Penn State, I was pleased.

The rematch is this Saturday in Happy Valley. Fuck, how can you not hate them? They live in Gay Happy Valley. I can only imagine that it's like living in a child's television show.  Then the student section will no doubt white it out which is entirely unnecessary in Pennsylvania. It's white enough as it is. You don't even know people are on campus when it snows. Fact: more people are killed by snow plows in Pennsylvania than any other state because the drivers mistaken them for snow (from the Institution of Madeup Stats). If that isn't enough reason to hate Penn State, then you go to Penn State. Fuck you and your made up adjectives for lions. Iowa is going to win, make you show your true colors, black and dark blue, and fulfill my prophecies.

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