November 6, 2009

Did You Just Say Dick Vitale Writes?

For those who have never heard of Fire Joe Morgan, then you should be ashamed. They created a blog just for the act of reading between the lines of poorly written baseball stories. Since they have shut down and moved on to bigger things, there has been a hole in the blogosphere for readers to revel in the idiocrocy that is mediocre sports writing. Doing my part to fix this, I have decided to take up where they left off, and give Dick Vitale what he has been needing for a long time -- someone to bring him down to earth.

Today's article: Le Moyne Stuns Syracuse in Exhibition

Bold = Dick Vitale
Italics = Wilt Stilts 

Exhibition season is under way, and I know people are making noise about some of the scores. 

I heard there was a truck load of kazoos on the way to Bristol. Gotta make that noise Hannah Storm, Dick commands it.

I recently read in the newspaper that South Florida blew out Florida Southern...

Wait, someone still reads newspapers. And where the fuck did Dick get a newspaper focusing on an exhibition game between South Florida and Florida Southern.

and Stan Heath's team was thrilled with its explosive attack.  

Stan Heath is such a household name that I won't even tell you which shitty southern Florida team he coaches. I'm so fucking knowledgeable.

That's nice, but the team will not be facing Florida Southern when it gets into Big East play!

Neither will the orphan society of sars contractors! You know what else is nice? HANSBROUGH FOR DIAPA DANDY!

Much attention has been paid to Le Moyne's win over Syracuse in the Carrier Dome. 

But I thought you said that South Florida wouldn't be playing Florida Southern caliber teams in the Big East.

If you are a Le Moyne fan or student, you can celebrate. Come on now, how many kids there were recruited by Jimmy Boeheim and Syracuse? Maybe zilch! That's great, but it was an exhibition game. 

What's that English language? You don't like being butchered? Well, Dick Vitale doesn't give a shit.

A guy like Boeheim, a Hall of Famer, will use this loss to make his players understand that they have to focus in practice every day,

because when I was a coach at Eastern South Augusta Country Club, we lost to a jar of marbles in a 40 min game. My kids were defeated, but being a Hall of Famer, I coached them back up into a victory next week against the ceiling tiles. 

Don't make too much out of the stats you read in exhibition games. Understand that they are just that -- exhibition games. There are a lot of Major League Baseball players who get their numbers up in wins during spring training. When the season starts for real in April, a .220 hitter usually hits his .220.

Just like a cancer patient, in the end they're just that--a cancer patient and will eventually pull a  Jimmy Valvano.

Don't get too carried away with the stats from these games. 

Oh, Dick. Sorry, I already carried away the fact that SYRACUSE LOST TO A FUCKING GLORIFIED HIGH SCHOOL TEAM!

These games give some of the bench players a chance to get some PT (playing time) because there are a lot of blowouts, M&Mers (mismatches).

And a 187 (code for murder) is going to be in your future if you continue this bull shit.

Guess what? 

Diapa Dandy? 

It doesn't mean a thing. 

Neither does writing like a journalist I guess. 

Still, thinking about Le Moyne beating Syracuse,  

Oh gawd YES. I haven't let it slip my mind the entire week. It's just so fucking important to my daily functions that i have to keep writing it over and over in college rule notebooks. SYRACUSE 79 LE MOYNE 82. 

you do have to say, "WOW!"

No. No, I don't. I don't have to. You know why? Because "WOW!" is the DIAPA DANDY of onomatopoeias and only you can talk about DIAPA DANDIES.

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