November 6, 2009

Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse: Week 10/ Exhibition

This is a weekly blog that compares the likes of college sports and addictive drugs, and then rolls it into a tight little blunt I like to call the Friday Afternoon Substance Abuse. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, then clearly you have participated in some Friday morning substance abuse. So get ready to sit Indian Native American style and stare at a bookshelf for 3 hours cause it's time to drop some acid.
I have almost no idea what happened last weekend in college football. I was stranded in domestic corn fields, hunting, and shooting absolutely nothing. Also, when you reside in Iowa, dish reception becomes extremely sketchy and the only game that comes in is the Iowa vs Indiana game. So, as an even more uneducated football writer, I will try to complete some predictions without horribly misconstruing the facts, but most likely with construe some facts any way just for shits and gigs.

Number 21 Wiscons..... what the hell did I miss? When the fuck did Wisconsin earn a fucking ranking. Shit. I don't know anything now. My world has been flipped right side up. What's next, cocaine being bad for you? Does this mean that Kansas is now dead last in the college basketball rankings? FUUUCK (weed parinoia).

Well then. I guess I will begin with Notre Dame against Navy because Notre Dame is gonna lose. In my book, they lose every time because their Christ and savior lost to the Roman Jews. This is why USC beats the Irish every year. It's just symbolic of the history between the warriors and the pussy ass Christians. (excommunicated forever)

This week of games is horrible. Alabama LSU is supposed to be the cream of the corn, but Alabama only needs a TD, and this game is over. LSU moves the ball about as well as Kobe. They would be better off having their defense on the field for the entirety of the game. Les Miles should just punt on first down, to give their defense a shot at a pick six or a Sage Rosenfels. Even that might not be enough as Alabama has a good defense, and chances are, their offense is also good at defense. This might explain their shitty offense. Now that I've thoroughly confused you, I will take Alabama in this game and hope that Terrence Cody's body mass doesn't compress the earth into a black hole.

Then there is Penn State and Ohio State. The battle of the black quarterbacks who never learned how to pass with a percentage over 30. If you were looking for a shit match of games this week, this one and the LSU Alabama game are proof of what a anal fissure like weekend of college football we will have. I honestly don't care who wins this, because Iowa is the best team in the Big 10 which is like saying you're then best senator from Montana. No one really gives a shit, but since the people demand a pick, I chose Penn State, because that makes for an easy Iowa conference win. Anything to make the Big 10 even more bland is a plus, but that fucking Rich Rodriguez and his spread formations are trying to fuck that up. In the Big 10 we use I-formation 98 percent of the time and if you don't obey, then we make up things about your program. Like doing too much practice. Yeah, how you like that.

Other Awesome Picks

Nebraska over Oklahoma - Why not fuck up the Big 12 as much as possible? What do we have to lose anyways, our respect? PFFT, that's been out the window since K-State took the north lead.

UCONN over Cincinnati - Super Ghost failed against West Virginia, but he will come back and ghost ride all over the Bearcats, because he's employed manbearpig to counter the random combined animal mascot.

Iowa almost losing to Northwestern -  Down at half then comeback in the fourth. That's not even a prediction, it's a 1in 1 chance of happening. If you don't know, that's 100 percent. Also,100 percent are the chances the media calls them cardiac kids, because originality is overrated.

Syracuse over Pitt - I have some addiction to upsets this week, but that's because this week's slate of games is so shitty that I need to input my own entertainment, as well as a needle into my veins. 100 percent chance of Greg Paulus looking like he has no idea what is going on.

Not much from the college basketball front. Dick Vitale summed it up pretty well, but after the first KU game, I have noticed that defense is in need of some work. It was ugly. Sure, it's just exhibition, but that defense is what we hang our hat on, so if it's not ready for MehFISS we might not win by 30, AND THAT SHIT CANNOT HAPPEN.

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