November 3, 2009

Shocked Kokinis: "I Worked For The Browns?"

Former Cleveland Browns general manager fired amid speculation of abuse of office phone, Golgo 13 addiction, and interstate prostitution

BEREA, Ohio -- In an eventful press conference early Wednesday afternoon at the Cleveland Browns training facility, dismissed former Cleveland Browns general manager George Kokinis addressed the media for the first time, expressing shock not only at his dismissal, but at his employment by the Browns, as well.

"When LernWorm [Cleveland owner Randy Lerner] brought me out here, I thought it was just to help FingerMang [Browns head coach Eric Mangini] get laid," a candid Kokinis explained.  "I had no idea I was actually working for these guys."

When asked about his salary, Kokinis claimed that he was led to believe the money was a "pussy stipend" to be used to "fly Asian slit into town."  Randy Lerner denies any such claims.

"Never once during contract negotiations did I make any references to any sort of 'stipend' or transport of women," a distraught Lerner e-mailed from a soccer match in London.  "George Kokinis is delusional if he thinks for one second that I wanted my money spent on Oriental hookers."

Kokinis was hired by the Browns on January 26 to serve as their new general manager and work with his long-time friend and new Browns head coach Eric Mangini.  After a 1-7 start punctuated by a 30-6 November 1 loss to the Chicago Bears and a threatened fan protest at the November 16 Monday night game vs. the Baltimore Ravens, however, Kokinis was let go by the team for undisclosed reasons.  The only explanation given for the dismissal is a series of taped phone calls that have been sent to the league office.

"The tapes contain bewildering, disgusting behavior on both ends, and have no place in a family-run, professional setting," Mr. Lerner explained.  Unconfirmed league sources hint that the tapes contain conversations between Kokinis and operators at a Seattle, Washington-based sex party line called Fully Functional. 

"I would never call a dopey sex line," Kokinis responded after being pressed by several different local media outlets to answer the accusations being charged against him.  "Why would I need to call that when I have a stack of Asian gash sitting in the corner of my garage?  The fact of the matter is that I was stuck in Golgo 13 and had to call the tip line from time-to-time, except none of the wahoos on the other end seemed to have any idea what I was talking about.  If anything, I feel like I'm a victim here."

Golgo 13 is a Nintendo Entertainment System video game called Golgo 13: Top Secret Episode released in 1988.  The game has the player take control of assassin Duke Togo and is widely considered a game so inscrutable that it is unplayable.  The "tip line" is the Nintendo Tip Hotline that was advertised on the back cover of the instruction manual of the game, and, according to a Nintendo of America spokesperson contacted for this story, has been out of operation since 1998.

Several people within the Browns' front office confirm that Kokinis spent upwards of seven hours a day playing Nintendo, and that he often loudly expressed frustration with the game.

The 1-7 Browns are on a bye this week.    


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