August 11, 2009

Sexism, objectification and misogyny: everything you expect from a WNBA game blog

Editors note: Kyle Berthusen is not a misogynist, nor does he support the degradation of women. He's a die-hard member of the Martha Stewart Fan Club and has been an O Magazine subscriber since 2002. He also has his very own Mother.

Looks like the WNBA is gonna double it's viewership tonight, because I'm about to blog this game away. I'm not sure how to do this - whether to display the players names or just stick to numbers to make things easier. I'll try names and if it works out then we can celebrate with a pint your favorite liquor. Gin? Why the fuck not. Well anyways, this is in HD so we will be witnessing Candace Parker's post prego body in full quality. Anyways...LET'S SEE SOME TITTIES!
1st quarter

The Staples Center is packed. There has to be like 5000 people there. PFFT, what recession?

9:39-It's rough from the get-go as the Sparks brick a lay-up and the ball bounces between babes until a couple sweaty ladies grasp it, causing a tie up. This is my kind of sport.

9:34-First cat fight. Just kidding, although Lisa Leslie gave a pretty good elbow to Tiffany Jackson to give us our first nose bleed of the game. Still tied up at nil.

8:53-Well this is nothing like the NBA. They just called palming. Chris Paul probably doesn't even know what that term means. He probably just thinks it's a term used in the porn industry. Tied at 2

7:01-Essence Carson gets the steal and gallops down court only to brick a layup. Just like their stereotype, neither of these teams seem to be able to finish. Not a good thing in bed and it's even worse for the basketball court 'cuz you can't fake a layup. 4-2 Liberty.

3:25-It's already getting pathetic. I've seen at least 8 air-ball passes and the shooting percentage is somewhere around 30 percent. And as I type this, NY hits a trey, oh and so does LA. You're welcome WNBA fans. My jinx is pretty impressive. 7-9 Sparks

:44-LA is heating up, and i don't mean in a sexual way. I mean that just made four shots in a row, three of which were triples. You can just feel the intensity from the crowd. I think a hobo just stood up. Oh, no, he was just pissing in his chair. 12-17 Sparks

2nd Quarter

6:45-The Liberty are shooting 29 percent from the floor as they miss another three. This is hard to watch, even if Candace Parker is playing. I was wondering, though, if the players that are on their periods, do they play better than the players who are not? And if so, does this contribute to how the lineup is put together? Also, if this is the case, then I want statistics, and Buster Olney to portray them on Sportcenter. 16-22 Sparks.

5:16-Laurie Moore was fouled on a three, but it wasn't called and now she is bitching to the ref. This makes for an easy insult 'cuz I can just say "Quit bitching, bitch" and it still pertains. Where as in male basketball, I have to invent some ridiculous insult like "Quit being a turtle bj".

3:12-First foul of the game. On Candace Parker, and this is bull shit. If she fouls out I'm gonna buy an Amtrack ticket to LA and strangle all 15 people at the game. She's the only reason I'm still conscious.

Halftime-Well, we got here. I still haven't tried to suffocate myself yet, so that's a positive. The worst part really isn't the play, but the announcing. At one point they were conversing more about the song that was playing than the game. I still have another 20 min left too. The score at half is 33-37 LA, if anyone even cares. Oh and I just checked the conversation for this game. Four comments and all of them about Candace Parker. The woman is single-handedly keeping the WNBA alive.

3rd Quarter

The Liberty coach's name is Anne Donovan. I'm interested to know if she is Billy D's wife. If so, he would be very unsatisfied with her coaching. Then again she would also be very disappointed with his coaching. Bet he wishes he was in Orlando now.

9:04- Candace makes the box score with her first rebound. It's OK 'cuz she is good looking. If Lisa Leslie were to fail in the first half I would laugh. Then cry 'cuz that would mean I actually give a shit about what is going on.

6:16- There is a woman referee. This is absurd. I don't trust their judgment while driving, let alone officiating anything. She just called two offensive fouls, one of which was on CP. I'm not happy.

Commercial-I wonder if Rosetta Stone teaches you how to say "Can I eat your pussy out!" in Mandarin Chinese. So useful when hanging with Chinese gymnasts.

4:02-Second bloody nose of the night. the elbows are on target more than the shots are tonight.

1:13-You would think, considering ladies can't jump, that they would look to improve their footwork, but so far it looks like zombies are trying to get a jump shot off. Zombies with awkward physiques of man shoulders and wide hips. 51-50 New York.

4th Quarter

Billy Donovan totally appreciated that half from Anne. Still haven't decided if she is his wife. Wikipedia doesn't seem to help.

9:03-The Liberty bench players are more excited than Ronny Turiaf. Their pants keep falling off, unfortunately they are only disguising a pair of shorts. Also, too bad They're not a group of Eva Mendezs on the bench.

4:58-Candace just hit the free throw stripe for the first time. It seems to look like she hasn't lost her body too much. This is really shallow. I'm going to start drinking. 63-56 New York.

2:53-Another horrid call by the female ref. One of the NY ladies was chasing a rebound and was bulldozed out of bounds. Guess who's got the ball? Yep, the Sparks. I'm near buzzed. hopefully I will forget this whole night.

65-61 is the outcome of this loss of two hours of my life. The Liberty were victorious but they still only shot 42%. The Sparks put up 34% shooting. I'm done doing women, forever. This has ruined the gender for me. Oh that came out wrong. Whatever, just know when you go to sleep that the WNBA probably wont be around by 2010.

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