August 11, 2009


As I was gorging myself in some Sportscenter, I realized there hadn't been a cycle hit in a whole WEEK. Then all of a sudden Troy Tulowitzki came along and blew that thought away, which lead to my new thought. Who has hit for the cycle in life and sports?

Sheldon Williams- This guy hit a grand slam with his allotted home run by somehow getting married to Candace Parker. The fact that she would even get naked for that face astonishes me, yet they have a kid now. The man hit a triple by going to Duke where every black player gets overrated while surrounded by athletically challenged honkies. Doubled in the draft where he went fifth overall to the Hawks. He has been singling ever since, laying low on the depth charts and accumulating easy earned cash, which he can use towards diapers. Or maybe a child's basketball hoop so that their daughter can become the next....uh....Candace Parker?

Donte Stallworth- He hit a homer with the Florida Judges. He tripled 10 days sentencing in jail. He contested his jail sentence, got out early and is going for a double by trying to shorten his house arrest sentencing. Lastly, he hit a single human being, stranding him in the road deader than Billy Mays. Congratulations Donte! You've lost all respect from every person on the planet. Let's give him a round of applause.

Barry Bonds-You hit a shitload of homers and failed to get a cycle. But, you know what, in my book you did. Look, You were America's next great baseball star. The abilities to be a 5 tool athlete and the potential to be the best since Willie Mays. Instead, you chose steroids. Barry hated the media, and was a clubhouse problem with Jeff Kent, which constitutes a single in my book. He has been out of a job for double what Pedro has been. He tripled the stats of the average slugger in 2003 with 72 bombs. To cap it all off, he's denied every claim of steroid use even though his temper towards the media increased, with his home run statistics, thanks to 'roid rage.

Green Man.

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