September 14, 2009

How 'Bout Some More Live Blogging: San Diego Oakland

Someone doesn't want to go home with a loss and then have to watch the Raiders. Well lucky for you Randy, we have ourselves a nice little live blog. That way, tomorrow while your at the water cooler, you can still act knowledgeable about your former team.
I'm catching the end of the Pats Bills game, as Jon Gruden begins pouring Viagra down his throat in preparation of spanking one off to Terrance McGee. Jaws has been harsh towards Tom Brady and Wes Welker isn't doing what I need him to. Just now, Tommy tossed a B-2 Bomber accurate pass to Ben Watson to make it a five point game. Still need an onside kick. Still this is a preview for the Oakland San Diego game.

The Fidel Castro like Al Davis will be blankly staring down the game, if he even has use of his senses anymore. We know he doesn't have common sense so what makes us think he has any others anymore.

(UPDATE) Ok, so Buffalo will find a way to lose this game. On the kickoff, Leotis McKelvin gets stripped at the 30. Wes Welker can still complete his objective.....Never mind. Watson for his second TD. Game New England.

Well after the interruption, I was beginning to explain how Al Davis has created a team that rivals the talent accumulated by the Los Angeles Temptation of the Lingerie Football League. On the opposite end of the spectrum are the Chargers with a higher team rating than Reagan's popularity rating in 1984. By the way, what the fuck was your problem back then Minnesota. Peer pressure. Well, it's about time to do that thing. Like last time, I will be doing it in blue and Bubb will be doing it in red, if he shows up this time.

9:21- JaMarcus Russel walks on the field, as Micheal Bush gets the handoff and takes it 11 yards. Not as easy to wrangle a 200 pound person is Merriman. And we have our first strangle joke. More to cum (not a typo).

9:24- Who knew that the Raiders would accumulate more first downs in their first drive than the Chiefs in an entire half. Well it happened. My mind just exploded.

9:26- False start and Tom Cable looks like he wants to punch one of his assistants. Ok, that's all I got folks. better hope Bubb gets in on this. PICK. So much for that awesome drive.


9:30 - Phil Rivers had a man on a third down, according to one of the announcers. He had a man like Tila Tequila did. But she didn't really. Neither did Rivers. Gates was blanketed. Who are these announcers Wilt? BRADY TO WATSON.

9:36- Is the world is coming to an end or is Al Davis looking like a GM savant? JESUS. McFaddy running this town and JaMarcus looking off safetys. Mike and Mike are having a shit fit with me. Steve Young is complacent due to his multiple head contusions.

9:39 - If the Raiders complete this drive, it would have somehow amassed 84 yards. The only time a Raiders' offense has done that was when they speed away from their crazy fans after an abominable home game showing. Aaaaaaaaand BUSH TOUCHDOWN. Raiders fans are kind of stunned, but excited. They're all horny too. Get it? Because of their costumes? PATRIOTS 25, BILLS 24.
Okay I'll stop now.

9:44- Darren Sproles, fellow Johnson County alumn, jet's down the field like he is being chased by Michael Richards on a tyrant like rant. Unfortunately his little ass baby legs get get caught up in the grass end ends up falling at the 30 of the Raiders.

9:48 - Philip Rivers meets old foe Richard Seymour, who is channeling his inner PATRIOTS COMEBACK VICTORY OVER THE BILLS. We're just meeting the Oakland defense with less than a minute to go in the first quarter. Since I haven't been here long, that means ESPN's second-string production crew is lagging or the Bolts are underachieving at new levels. Best part of the Oakland D-Line: three-fourths have neck beards.

LT FUMBLE! A D-back slaps it out his arms and the ball escapes his grasp quicker than his pro career. Putting it out there: Sproles will be taking the handoffs by the end of this game.

9:55- San Diego's offense is dying in the redzone like Patrick Swayze. Their defense is like Swazye in Ghost. Is this too soon? Judges? No? OH your shaking your head in disapproval.

9:58 - HEY! Raiders fan wearing a "THE BLACK HOLE" T-shirt! Perez Hilton's anus will not stand for that copyright infringement!

10:00- Micheal Bush slides into the one hole between the first and second basemen. Oh this is football. Sorry, I thought it was baseball because i was using Al Davis' sunglasses which reflect 120% of all sunlight. Also because there is a FUCKING BASEBALL FIELD ON THE FIELD. This isn't Iowa City.

10:04 - Darren McGuana (Like Iguana because he can eject his tail if a tackler is holding onto it and continue running) fumbles. I retract your nickname. You are now Darren McFumbles. This is the NFL, dammit. Nicknames can't just be handed out like M&Ms, CHRIS BERMAN. Here, you get to listen to Paul Mooney on the sideline until you learn your lesson.

10:09- Apparently they don't teach evasive maneuvers at K-State 'cuz Sproles just floored it right into a 240 pound linebacker with no respect for his body or field position. Also Richard Seymour needs to officially go with Dick, that way his name comes up as SEE-MORE DICK on his license.

10:09 - Sexcapade is confusing a drivers license with a phone book. Ring a ding ding, retahd. Wait...(pulls out wallet). Oh shit, it actually is backwards on a Kansas ID. I'm kind of speechless. On Oakland's first and 10 following the Bolts TD, Russell puts the ball on the money again, but it's dropped this time. HEY RAIDERS CHEERLEADERS! Caucasian cheerleader, YOU HOT! Minority cheerleader, YOU ON CRACK! THAT'S AN ORDER!

10:21- Darren Sproles returning the kick and is unaware of this thing called a fair catch. Then, in the seconds following this lapse in judgment, he is side swept like Nick Adenhart. Too soon? I don't think so, but then again I'm safe from all those rowdy Angels fans looking for blood.

10:25 - During a prolonged commercial break and an uneventful three-and-out by the Chahjahs, I find that ESPN has corrected the Nike ads on its home page:

Hello, Adrian's Peterson. That thing will still get more action this year than Urlacher. Heyo! Oh, and Russell is running the 2-minute drill. More precedents getting set by the minute! Hooray! He can really rack up some 'fantasy' points with that thang if you know what I mean. He had 43 yesterday.

10:32- Wow look at the JaMarcus arm strength. He spiked that ball so deep into the turf that it rattled the blubber of John Madden. Oh, and I guess he can hit his receivers too. Let's take a quote from Mike and Mike "No need to stop the clock now, JaMarcus is looking good" Russel throws directly at Merriman generic Chargers linebacker, who throws a seizure-like hissy fit as if his Mom denied his plea for a new G.I. Joe action figure.

10:36 - Russel throws yet another bullet for a touchdown to Louis Murphy. After review, the refs blow this call worse than a Jenna Jamison porno. Janikowski barely converts for three, using Russian magic to sneak the ball around the right upright. On the ensuing kick, Darren Sproles with a huge return deep into Oakland territory. He doesn't have legs - he has amorphous blobs that glide him along the field like butter on a hot griddle.
Is that Wesley Snipes back from the early 90's on the field? My goodness, it's like he plays for the Hyperizers with Mo Williams, Rashard Lewis, Andre Iguodala and Kevin Durant. That there is Johnny Lee Higgins. His name even sounds like he just leaped out of 1993 white Ford Bronco. By they way, It's halftime after Nate Kaeding field goal. Oakland 14 10 San Diego 10.

11:03 - We begin the second half with Sexcapade still deadlocked at 136 in his fantasy game. He's lamenting, begging, praying for just one Vincent Jackson catch. Rivers obliges, and throws one #83's way. It falls incomplete. Mike Golic announces that he invaded the official review booth to get an explanation of why the pre-halftime Oakland TD didn't count. Golic earned his all access pass by beating Tom Cable in a nacho eating contest.

11:09- YES. With a tied fantasy game at 136 and Vincent Jackson holding my fate in his hands, Rivers hits Jackson on a slant route for 15. Just enough to bump my win column up. Epic battle for just one win, but it was worth it. I'd like to thank Adrian Peterson's package, and whoever had the first pick and choose Larry Fitzgerald. Still have to take 13 shots of gin here on Friday, unless Jackson totals 13 points here by the end of the game.

11:16 - Darren Sproles returns a punt for a solid eight yards, however his legs moved enough that they would have powered all of New York City and half of Stephen Hawking's wheelchair if they were hooked up to a generator.

11:26- JOHNNY LEE HIGGINS acting like he read the manual of Dante Hall bringing a punt back 15 yards. The man has the best name on the face of the planet.

11:32 - LT rattles off a 12-yard run. Rattles off being the key verb. He's shakier than an '83 ford Taurus driven by Michael J. Fox. Then two Rivers incompletions. Rivers' frustration is pouring over in the form of gum-flapping and half-assedly spiking a ball into an innocent Oakland lineman on the ground.. He's called for a 15-yard taunting penalty. If you have a pulse and aren't from San Diego, this is uproariously hilarious. Tack on five more for a false start. Sproles can't pick up 30 yards on the draw. C Punt.

11:40- Steve Young is talking about as much as Terri Schiavo. Probably because he has as much brain damage thanks to Steve Mariucci's west coast shit offensive line. River's just god plowed into the dirt. It's reminiscent of when Pedro threw Don Zimmer.

11:47 - Hey Wilt, what's six foot six, more powerful than a rocketship, thicker than the hoover dam and more potent than a bag full of elephant poo?

11:50- Is it the Virgin Mary?

11:51 - No, but...

That thing packs a lot of heat, but it's a SOONER dick, if you know what I mean. All the girl says is "OU OU OU OU that's it, you OU alumns never finish in the heat of the moment."

This is getting convoluted.

12:00 Well I'm still including times in this live blog. It's about poise in the clutch TOM BRADY 25, BILLS 24. Meanwhile, Rivers is captaining a drive into Oakland territory. Again, using precise word choice, as captaining implies that he's a seaman, who are inherently gay. Dump-off to Sproles on third and 12 is good enough for a first. SOMEBODY PUT HIM IN A HAMSTER BALL. JUST VISUALIZE THAT.

12:04- DON'T VISUALIZE THAT. IT COULD CAUSE HEMORRHAGING. Also Vinny Jack just dropped the bomb on my Friday night alcohol poisoning. Too bad, I was hoping for a trip to the ER this weekend. Maybe I would see Jada Pinkcett Smith in a blurry haze. Plus FUCK KEYSHAWN JOHSNSON and your dress code violations.

12:09 - We're about to see what Jamarcus Russell is made of, other than eagle talons, failed SAT scores and Barack Obama's health care package. Apparently he's also made of weak knee tendons, as he drops to the turf in agony after a third and one QB sneak. Coincidentally, Merriman induced the knee injury. Tila Tequila is wincing in pain somewhere. This person is now in at quarterback. His name is fun to say in a high-pitched voice. Try it. Seriously. Actually it's more fun if his first name is Brad. So call him Brad.

12:18- Darren McFaddy high stepping his way on first down like his daddy taught him. Then JaMarcus takes two steps back in the pocket and bends over to a larger 300 pound man like his momma.........JOHNNY LEE HIGGINS. NOOOO. He just got dragged across the field on a slant cross and was slayed by the safety. Good to see his hair is just fine though.

12:23 - RUSSELL TO LOUIS MURPHY ON A FOURTH AND 14 FOR A 57 YARD TOUCHDOWN. MIKE GREENBERG CAPS IT OFF BY QUOTING HERMAN FUCKING EDWARDS. Something about playing to win games. Russell looks off the safety by staring directly into the ground. Raiders and Broncos atop the AFC West sounds a lot like Pau Gasol and Joakim Noah at the top of a beauty contest.

12:29- You forgot Tony Siragusa on that beauty contest. It seems like Shawn Merriman can't get a 'handle' of the Raider's offensive scheme. Tom Cable is 'knocking' this play calling out of the park.

12:34 - Chargers are on the Oakland four. Sproles punches it in with 18 seconds left. Oakland's hopes rest on the Russell Express, not to be confused with the underground railroad. I don't know why you would confuse those two things, unless your name was Al Davis. And the Russell Express crashes and burns like the Hindenburg. So many transportation references/similes/metaphors. We're out. Say goodbye, SexcapadePATRIOTS TWENTY FUCKING FIVE, BILLS TWENTY FUCKING FOUR BRADYTOWATSONGASM.

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